Man B Que: Meat, Beer, Rock N' Roll

Double Buffalo Sliders

2010-05-30T22:23:00.003-05:00

Pretty soon, Dayton is going to have a ManBQue chapter to call its own. The official kick off will be in June or July, but this weekend Mr. FvF and I decided to host a CoedBQue (read the rules, totally allowed on weekends) to let some folks try out their recipes. GK served up some fabulous Buffet burgers, stuffed with beer-can peppers and onions and smothered in pepper jack cheese...
Hoeflich grilled up some ribeyes that "fell off a truck," marinated in bacon fat and garlic...

and Evil Josh had the brilliant idea of stuffing skirt steak with apples, smoked mozzarella and crushed almonds.
All of that was tough to top, the Mister's Double Buffalo Sliders stole the show. Even though I'm sure you've already gorged on your share of holiday meats, you're going to want these inside you.

I apologize for the lack of set-up and prep photos, but the resident photographer may have had one too many drinks. What of it?! Besides, it's not rocket surgery. Chances are, if you read this blog, you know how to mix up a burger.

The Set Up (makes 12 sliders):
1 1/3 lb ground bison
6 oz blue cheese crumbles
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 egg, beaten
2-3 tbsp hot sauce
2 tbsp melted butter
For the spice mix:
1 1/2 tbsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne (or more, to taste)
1/8 tsp red pepper flakes
1/4 tsp smoked paprika
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp chili powder

Mix all of your spices together first in a small bowl and have them ready to go. In another bowl, mix up your bison meat, melted butter, hot sauce, egg, spices, then add the bread crumbs and blue cheese crumbles towards the end. You could use more or less bread crumbs depending on how much the meat mixture is absorbing it. The bison meat is very, very tender, so you'll need the bread crumbs and egg as binders.

Form them into 2-3" balls and grill at high heat (about 400-450) for 3-4 minutes per side. The meat is also very lean, so be sure not to overcook it, because it will dry out on you quickly. We served them up on split King's Hawaiian rolls, which had just enough sweetness to balance out the heat, which will sneak up on you like Roman Polanski at a Girl Scout cookie sale.

We created this recipe because it sounded like two food groups that hadn't been adequately combined yet (wings and burgers), because our local butcher always has buffalo meat available - but mostly because Mr. FvF is Native American, and we love perpetuating stereotypes. Sure, he can talk to animals and make corn grow, but I always get a free pass when shit comes up missing because I'm a drunken, dirty Mick and I don't know any better.

All aboard the gravy train!

2010-05-14T11:59:00.008-05:00

I promised I'd post a gravy tutorial to follow up John's biscuit recipe, and last night's BFMFD finally gave me the chance to fulfill my obligation.

In the kind of household I grew up in, gravy was considered a condiment fit to put on almost anything - biscuits, eggs, toast, chicken, ham, potatoes, etc. Hell, it was practically considered a beverage. Mine was a very blue collar home, meaning we weren't wiping our asses with hundred dollar bills, and gravy was often used to "round out a meal." That probably explains a lot about my figure, actually.

The most important thing you need to know about gravy making is that you need the right fat. You'll find all kinds of recipes on the internet telling you that vegetable oil or shortening is suitable for a gravy base. IT'S NOT. You need meat fat, preferably of the pig variety. Every time you cook bacon, drain the cooled fat into a coffee can, peanut can, or an air-tight storage container. It will keep in the fridge for months, so long as it's properly sealed.

You're basically making a giant roux, so gravy requires your full attention to ensure it doesn't scorch.

The set-up

3/4 C all-purpose flour
about 4-6 heaping tbsp bacon grease
(fresh or saved)
1 C milk
salt
fresh ground black pepper

Start by heating a saucepan or cast iron skillet over medium-low heat and melt your bacon fat if you've been saving it in the fridge. Let it get toasty, but not spitting hot. Once you can feel the heat coming from it, start slowly sifting in your flour, whisking as you go.
It will be very bubbly, but keep the heat right around low-medium for now. Make sure you're getting all of the lumps out with the whisk. It will also feel pretty thin for a rue, but a a whole chemical reaction will take place once more liquid comes into the equation, so don't go adding more flour all willy-nilly.
Once you have a nice caramel-colored roux, start slowly pouring your milk in as you whisk. Make sure you have about half a cup extra on-hand in case you need to thin it out towards the end. Now you have a little wiggle room to stop whisking for a few seconds at a time, so take this time to add about 1 tbsp of salt and 1/2-1 full tsp of black pepper, and continue whisking.
Within 2-4 minutes, it should be looking pretty close to proper gravy.
Once the consistency feels about right, turn the heat down a bit so that it doesn't get too thick and give it a taste. Add more bacon drippings, salt and pepper to taste. If you're looking to make sausage gravy, there's really only one thing done differently. Cook up some bulk breakfast sausage in a skillet (cast iron is always best) and leave it in the pan, drippings and all - then you can follow through with the flour, milk, salt & pepper.
Smother damn near anything in it, and enjoy.

Mex-Cellent Food (Part 1): Pork Carnitas

2010-05-11T09:01:00.006-05:00

Last week, we celebrated Cinco de Mayo, the commemoration of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin's victory over French Voltron on the surface of the moon. Or so I've been led to believe. I know that it's not Mexican Independence Day (September 16), and that it's bigger here than in Mexico. Either way, we here at MBQ celebrated with Mexican-influenced dishes. And we figure now that you're fresh off your Cinco de Mayo high, you may want to incorporate Mexican flavors into your cooking. These pork carnitas are a good place to start. And perhaps you'll decide to have it with this salsa.

The Setup

3 lb pork butt, cubed to 1"
7 strips orange zest
5 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, chopped
2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
1 stick of cinnamon (use the really good Mexican stuff if you've got it)
2 bay leaves
1 1/2 tsp dried oregano leaves (not ground)
2 tsp Kosher salt, plus more for additional seasoning
1/4 tsp ground cloves

This recipe is simple as it gets. You don't need any equipment other than a large, deep pot, a knife, and a cutting board. Just make sure to throw away any cubes that are pure fat. But you probably either (a) already get that or (b) really enjoy pork fat.

Cooking

1. Put the cubed pork in a large, heavy pot. Add enough cold water to cover by one inch.

2. Add the zest, garlic, onion, red pepper, cinnamon, bay leaves, salt, and garlic.

3. Bring the pot to a boil, then knock it back down to a simmer. Skim off any unruly crap that may foam and bubble at the surface. Simmer like that, completely uncovered, for an hour and a half.

4. The water will have evaporated to the point where you'll be able to check the seasoning. Salt to taste and continue to cook until the water has completely evaporated, about another 30 minutes.

5. When the water has evaporated, turn up the heat a bit to let the pork fry and crisp up a bit in its own rendered fat. Trust me, this is a vital step. When it's to your liking, remove from the pot.

6. At this point, you can eat it over rice with veggies, make tacos, fill tamales, or whatever else you can think of. You'll have a lot of pork, so perhaps try all of those things and see what else you can come up with. One thing's for sure - you're not going to get sick of it.

The Cuban Sandwich

2010-04-26T20:56:00.006-05:00

Apropos of nothing, I'd like to begin this article by saying that if you wear a Che Guevara shirt, you should be kicked in the spleen. I don't feel like getting into that much more, but suffice to say, every Cuban-American knows that. One other thing every Cuban-American knows is the pleasure of the Cubano, a sandwich invented and popularized by Cuban exiles in Miami and Tampa. The cigar factory workers used to take a wrapped-up Cubano to work in the morning, and eventually Italian immigrants came in and put their spin on it. Like all of the best American food, it's the product of a mix of cultures. And as far as equipment goes, you can't get much simpler than a Cubano. It's a flat, hot surface, a heavy object, and a knife if you're feeling fancy. It's hard to screw up, unless you wear a beret, a crappy beard, and an iconic douchey countenance.

The Setup

1 loaf Cuban bread (see notes below)
1/2 lb thick-sliced roasted pork (homemade or deli)
1/2 lb sliced glazed ham
1/4 lb sliced Swiss cheese
Unsalted butter (room temp.)
Olive Oil
Dill pickles
1/4 lb salami (Optional)

- I'm not kidding when I say that you really, really want to get a good Cuban loaf. I know it looks like French bread superficially, but French bread makes a horrible Cubano. If you're in Chicago, you can get Cuban bread at Artemio's, on Sheffield just south of Irving Park. If you're in the burbs, La Dulce Vida Bakery, in Elgin, not far off of Randall Road, serves a good loaf themselves. Cuban bread resembles a French loaf, but it's flat on top and bottom, which makes a lot of difference for our purposes. Get the good stuff.

- I say that salami is optional. This is the aforementioned Italian difference - add salami and serve it on an egg-based bread, and it's called a medianoche, which is a nice way of saying drunk food. And damn if it isn't.

- This is a pressed sandwich. You could buy a grill press from Crate and Barrel, but it'd be expensive and not as effective as you think. There's a much better, much cheaper solution to be had - a landscaping brick from Home Depot. It costs 68 cents, lasts forever, and you can keep it outside. Wrap it in fresh foil every time you use it, and you've got a foolproof (and bulletproof) kitchen tool.

- If I see you call this a panini, or if yours has those telltate panini-press marks in it, then you are hereby kicked off of this blog. Granted, it will cut our readership in half, but you don't treat a Cuban classic like some weak-ass Panera Bread lunch special for bored housewives and men who do Yoga.

Cooking

1. Cut the bread into 8-inch sections and slice through.

2. Butter both of the inside halves. Heat your cast iron pan over medium.

3. Assemble the sandwiches, placing pork, ham, salami (if you're using it), cheese, pickles, and mustard. Or do it whatever way you want - ham, cheese, pickle, pork, toothpaste, for all I care.

4. Drop a tablespoon or two of olive oil (or oil and butter, if you prefer) in the heated pan and tilt pan (carefully, it's hot) to coat bottom with oil.

5. Place the sandwich in the pan and press it down with the wrapped brick. Make sure to place it straight so it doesn't push the sandwich apart.

6. Cook 1-2 minutes, flip, smash, and cook another 1-2, adding oil if the oil has been absorbed. The bread should be nice and golden brown, and the cheese should be melted ever so perfectly. Hot damn, son, you are about to have one fine sandwich. Do a little dance if you feel up to it.

7. Remove the sandwich, maybe wrap it up in wax paper if you're feeling fancy, and slice diagonally into two triangles. Serve with some chips (potato or plaintain) and a cold Ironbeer or cola.

Black Cherry Cola Country Ribs

2010-04-25T14:18:00.008-05:00

I almost shat last week when I read an article regarding how baffling it is that the average American family receiving food stamps gets around $70 per week for a family of four. According to MSNBC, that's a very paltry amount. According to yours truly, it's perfectly reasonable, at least living in a mid-sized market like the Dayton-Cincinnati area. Granted, I'm only feeding myself and one other person, but we spend that amount about every two weeks - and we eat well.
On our last bi-weekly grocery excursion, I spent $20 at the butcher and $50 at the market. This produces about 10 meals, about half yielding leftovers, and items for lunch. While I certainly don't frown on coupon clipping, that's not the only way to save a buck. The trick, sometimes, is taking stuff you always have on hand and combining it with a cut of meat that's on a crazy special at your local butcher. This past week, my butcher had country ribs for a song - $1.69 per pound. I picked up a few pounds and decided to wing it.

Everyone knows currant flavors go great with pork - cherries, pomegranates, any dark berry, really. If root beer and Coca-Cola can be used in pork and poultry recipes, why not the black cherry soda I found a hell of a deal on?

The Set Up

3+ pounds of country style ribs
2 bottles (3-4 cups) black cherry soda (I used IBC)
1/3 cup your favorite BBQ sauce
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tbsp white vinegar
For the dry rub:
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp cinnamon

Mix your dry rub spices together and give the meat a good rub down. Pretend the ribs are the super foxy girl you always wanted to nail in high school, but never spoke to because you were from the wrong side of the tracks and her father didn't - wait, that was a dream I had last night. It really was a heartwarming story, but back to the ribs. Make sure they're all well-seasoned and place them, bone side up, in a roasting pan lined with foil and either brushed with a little oil or hit with some cooking spray. Bake them covered at 350 for about 1 .5 hours.
The last half hour of that time, get started on your sauce. It's best if you've opened the sodas and/or shaken them to try and get some of the carbonation out, and that they're room temp. Pour them into a sauce pan and kick the heat up to high until it starts to boil. Stir it occasionally until a lot of the water has evaporated and you're left with 1-2 cups and it's a bit more syrupy. This should take about 20-30 minutes. Reduce the heat to low now, and add your Worcestershire sauce, BBQ sauce and vinegar to the mix and give it a good stir, then set it aside to cool.

Forgive me for forgetting to take a picture at this point in the cooking process, but it's not rocket surgery. Remove the ribs from the oven, drain a bit of the juices and put them back in the roaster meaty side up. Pour about half of your cherry cola sauce over them and stick them back in the oven for about one more hour at 350. Remove them one last time and baste them in the remaining sauce, and turn the oven up to broil to get a really good crust. This should only take about 5-10 minutes. Your results should look something like this, and you can thank me later.

Southern Style: Chicken Biscuits

2010-04-22T10:25:00.003-05:00

As you may have heard, Southern chicken purveyor Chick-Fil-A is breaking ground in the Chicagoland area. Fried food fans from the Gold Coast to Naperville are quaking in their arteries in anticipation. Chick-Fil-A ruins KFC's shit - it's just better (cleaner, better food, better service, etc) - but why not try and recreate this classic Southern taste at home? Personally, I favor the chicken biscuit - it's breakfast, it's lunch, it's everything but diet food. I already taught you how to make real Southern biscuits, so let's rock the chicken biscuit. And you made fun of me for baking ...

The Setup

1 batch of buttermilk biscuits (my Granny's recipe here)
1 whole chicken breast, cut into boneless, skinless pieces (about 2x2") slightly larger than biscuit size
2 c buttermilk
Salt & pepper
Two large eggs, beaten
2c flour (plus more as needed)
Paprika and/or cayenne, to taste
Peanut oil for frying
Hot sauce

- Make sure you have a couple of shallow dishes for the egg and seasoned flour. Try not to make a mess. You'll still make a mess, but try not to.
Cooking

- Use a proper deep fryer, or at the very least, a deep, heavy pan with a deep fry thermometer. You'll see in these pictures that I used a regular cast iron pan. I can't really explain effectively how bad an idea that is. You will explode yourself like a low-budget kitchen Michael Bay. Do not fry in a skillet, a shallow pan, or anything where the oil can get over the sides into the flame. Use a deep fryer. Por favor.

Cooking

1. Season chicken with salt and pepper. Place into a shallow dish or other container or marinating. Cover with buttermilk. Let sit at least 30 min, up to 24 hours, in the fridge.

2. Beat the eggs in a shallow bowl or dish, adding a few tablespoons of hot sauce, depending upon how much you like.

3. Sift together flour with salt, pepper, paprika and/or cayenne.

4. Remove chicken from marinade and pat dry.

5. Batter the chicken by:

- Coating in flour, shaking of excess,
- Dipping in egg, and placing on rack over towel or sink, allowing excess egg to run off,
- Dipping once more in flour

Optional but suggested - place battered chicken on a large plate and leave, uncovered, in fridge for 30 minutes. Crispier chicken - trust me.

6. Heat an couple of inches of peanut oil to 325, deep enough to come up the sides of the chicken, but not to completely submerge.

7. Fry chicken 4-6 min, depending on thickness. Flip and repeat, making sure not to overcook. Do in batches so the oil temperature stays as constant as possible. Remove chicken to a paper towel-lined plate.

8. Cut the biscuits and place fried chicken, along with a couple of pickles and maybe even some mustard if you like.

Man Bake Que: Southern-Style Buttermilk Biscuits

2010-04-20T13:39:00.005-05:00

Late last week, we brought you to familiarity with Nashville's late, great Biscuit Lady. But what good is a story without the nuts and bolts to back it up? You're going to make great Southern biscuits, and Man B Que is going to tell you how. It might be more pastry than pork chop, but anything you can stick fried chicken into (which we'll teach you) or cover with monstrously sugary homemade jam (which we'll also teach you) is a vehicle to greatness. My grandmother taught me how to make these, and I've spent every day since resisting the urge to eat myself to death with them. A couple times through and you'll feel the same way.

The Setup

2c flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 c vegetable shortening
3/4 to 1c buttermilk

I'm not usually one to harp on equipment, but baking can be a pain in the ass if you don't have the right tools. Thankfully, you don't need a whole lot. Just the following:

- Something to sift the flour and dry ingredients together. Whether it's a proper sifter or just a wire strainer, sifting the dough leads to better-textured biscuits.

- A deep bowl for forming the dough. If you don't have a big mixing bowl, then get one. Flour and buttermilk spilling out the sides will make you feel like Michael Douglas in "Falling Down." A pansy version, at least.

- A rolling pin for the dough. It's not the manliest thing to go and buy, but no one's going to call you on it when you're rocking fried chicken biscuits.

- I'll point out here that you technically don't even need a biscuit cutter. You can use the mouth of a glass. Not as easy, but free. Whichever you use, remember to flour it when you cut.

~~Cooking~~ Baking

1. Start by sifting together the other dry ingredients with the flour.

2. Cut the shortening into the dry ingredients. This is really important, and there are a couple ways you can do this. Easiest is the food processor. You can also use a pastry cutter or fork. Failing all those, you can do it with your hands. That's how the really, really old Southerners still do it. The point is to evenly distribute the fat of the shortening throughout the dry ingredients. It should have a texture like cornmeal, with the shortening pieces about the size of small peas. The picture above is a pretty good idea.

3. Turn out the mixture into the big bowl. Make a well in the center, and pour in buttermilk a little bit at a time, until the dough just barely comes together into a rough, shaggy mass. You know all those recipes that call for a smooth, elastic dough ball with a few minutes of kneading? This is the opposite. Handle it too much, and it becomes tough and flat. The rolling will take care of the texture. Just make sure it sticks together - a knead or two should do it.

4. Preheat oven to 400.

5. Pat down the dough to just over 1" thickness (a bit thicker than I did). Give it a quick light roll to even out the surface, and cut into individual biscuits (about 1" rounds). Place them on an oiled pan, re-roll the excess dough, and see how many more you can get. Throw away the scraps.

6. Bake at 400 for about 15 minutes, until just done. Brush with melted butter and serve or cover.

A Tribute to the Biscuit Lady

2010-04-15T10:06:00.009-05:00

My family is from Southern stock - when it came time to go off to college, there was no real question that I was going to head for a muggier climate. I spent the next four years stuffing my face with pulled pork, smoked sausages, and country fried steak. Meals varied from Sunday sit-down affairs to late-night post-booze Waffle House sessions. Anything and everything was on offer, but the glue of Southern cuisine, the staple of staples, is a hot buttermilk biscuit. Stick some fried chicken in it, tear it in half and fill it with jam, or drown it in gravy - Southerners can eat them at all hours of the day. And I can't blame them - I could eat a meal of just biscuits and fixings.

Even in a region where everyone grows up making biscuits, Carol Fay Ellison was known as one of the best. She worked at The Loveless Cafe, a Southern food mecca and former motel on the southwest outskirts of Nashville. She began working there at age 18 and turned a respected Southern restaurant into a place known by and large for the best biscuits around. Hell, the Loveless has excellent country ham, steak, and chops, but you'd never know that from all the breathless attention that the biscuits received from Frommer's, Bobby Flay, and Good Morning America. She was also an outsized personality who fiercely defended the secrecy of her recipe. Watch her make biscuits like a spy guarding nuclear secrets:

Clearly Carol Fay never got sick of personally making and baking dozens of pans of biscuits every day. She took the menial job of chugging out a side dish and turned it into a cult of personality. And damn if her preserves weren't amazing too.

Carol Fay died last week, and though I'd only ever known her through her food and her TV appearances, I felt sad that we'd lost such a popular and passionate advocate of Southern food. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't trendy. It was just the solid, delicious food that I'd grown up eating.

Next up, yours truly will teach you the secrets of Southern biscuits.

Citrus Chicken Roll

2010-04-14T08:13:00.006-05:00

Unless you’re at a Middle Ages themed restaurant with jousters, grilling is the only time where it’s okay to eat with your hands. Which is a shame - there's just something about hamburger juice running down your hands and barbeque sauce on your cheeks. Who needs plates and utensils? Most of the time we grillers will throw on chicken legs, wings, or - if we have the time - smoke an entire chicken. The bone and skin helps the meat keep its juices.

So you want to impress your party, friends or in-laws with your grilling skills and they only eat chicken and won’t touch food with their hands (yeah, lame I know). Throwing some legs smothered in barbeque sauce may be tasty, but isn’t an aesthetically appealing dish. Attempting to cook boneless skinless chicken breasts without proper technique usually ends up in a dry flavorless dish. Instead, prepare them a Citrus Chicken Roll – not only is it nice looking sliced up on a plate – it’s actually moist and great tasting. The citrus from the chicken pairs great with Red Stripe or Corona.

The Setup

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/4 c fresh lemon juice
2 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp butter
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/3 c finely chopped fresh Italian parley
2 tbsp grated Parmesan cheese
2 tbsp shredded Asiago cheese
1 tsp finely grated lemon peel
2 large cloves garlic, minced
16 toothpicks, soaked in water for at least 15 minutes

Cooking

1. Pound chicken to 3/8 inch thickness and place into 11x7 casserole dish.

2. Combine lemon juice, 1 tablespoon olive oil, salt and pepper and pour over the chicken. Make sure chicken is coated in mixture and marinate in refrigerator at least 30 minutes.

3. Prepare grill for 3 zone cooking (High, Medium, Low).

4. Combine parsley, cheeses, chives, lemon peel, butter, garlic and 1 tablespoon olive oil in small bowl. Throw out the chicken marinade. Spread 1/4 of parsley mixture over each chicken breast, leaving around an inch around the edges.

5. Starting at narrow end, roll chicken to enclose filling and secure with toothpicks.

6. Grill chicken over high heat, covered, for 2 minutes on each side. Move chicken over to medium zone and cook until done. If chicken starts to brown move to cooler zone. Cooking time is 20-30 minutes.

7. Let rest, squirt lemon juice over, remove toothpicks and eat with a Red Stripe.

Bleu Cheese & Steak Pizza

2010-04-08T16:41:00.012-05:00

Everyone likes steak, and everyone likes pizza. Unless you're a communist, then you probably only like food that's of someone else's labor, and free for the taking. In fact, you're probably a dumpster diver, which means you never get steak or pizza, because only a retard would throw those out.
These two delightful food groups encompass the two most-craved items in my house, so I figured, why not get them together and see what kind of hot action ensues?

The Set-up

1 yellow onion
1 lb top sirloin steak
1 refrigerated pizza crust
1.5 C Italian cheese (I used Sargento 6 cheese blend)
1 8 oz container bleu cheese crumbles
2-4 cloves garlic, minced
Olive oil
salt & pepper

Cooking
You absolutely have to start with caramelizing your onions, because doing it right takes a good 20 minutes. Heat some oil over medium and once it's ready, throw in your thinly sliced onions with a heavy pinch of salt. Make sure they're all coated with the fat and turn the heat to low. When caramelizing onions, heed the sage advice of the Beastie Boys: "Slow and low, that is the tempo!" Keep them low and stir frequently so that they don't burn. They'll start like this:

And end like this:

You can actually keep browning them and release serious sweetness superpower, but keep in mind they'll cook a bit more in the oven when they're on the pizza. So, don't get overzealous.

While the onions finish up, roll out your crust into any desired shape (Millennium Falcon not recommended) and bake it at 425 for just under 10 minutes. Now time for more multi-tasking!
while your crust gets started, work on your steak. Season the sirloin with salt and pepper and if you can't grill it, cook it in a cast-iron skillet over med-high heat for 3 minutes on each side for a good, solid medium.

I wouldn't suggest going too well-done, because the steak will continue cooking in the oven later, but you could always go more rare. A word of advice, though - the ooze that's normally coveted out of a rare steak is going to be all over your pie if you do.
Remove your steak quickly and slice it, so that it doesn't continue cooking. Cut on the bias so you can actually bite through it when you're eating the 'za.

Grab your pizza crust from the oven and start assembling your base (which I need not remind you, are still belong to us). Drizzle between 1/2 and 1/4 cup of olive oil as your sauce, and top that off by spreading your minced garlic around. You can throw in a few herbs here, like basil & oregano. Next, add your Italian cheeses. You're not going for delivery-style pie here, so go easy on the cheesy. Now it's time to add your very sexy, long-awaited caramelized onions. If someone in your house is a big sissy about onions, you can do what I did and only add them to half of the pizza. Finally, add all of your bleu cheese crumbles, then your sliced sirloin and pop it back into the 425 oven for another 5-10 minutes, watching it carefully because the crumbles can burn quickly.

Then, it's time to bask in the glory of one of the tastiest pizzas you've ever had. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back, you smug bastard.

Roasted Tomato-Jalapeno Salsa

2010-04-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

Part of what we're all about at Man B Que is taking a shot at making the things you might ordinarily pick up from the store without a thought. Sure, you could just pick up a tub of shredded pork, a shrink-wrapped package of sausages, or a bottle of BBQ sauce at the Jewel. But the real thing usually ends up as the more rewarding option.

Today is no different. Sure, you could go and pick up a jar of salsa for a few bucks. But why make do with a watery bell pepper and ketchup mess when you can roast your own ripe vegetables and make a delicious salsa that will punch your tongue in it's tongue-face? This recipe comes from a Rick Bayless book I came across. Like everything else in that book, it's just packed with flavor. With tomato season slowly approaching, this is the perfect time to practice for amazing batches of salsa during the harvest.

The Setup

1 lb ripe tomatoes
2 large jalapenos, or 3 serranos
3 large garlic cloves, unpeeled
2 oz white onion (1/2 of a small onion), diced
1/3 c chopped cilantro
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp cider vinegar

Cooking

1. Cover a cast iron pan with aluminum foil and heat over medium for a few minutes until the pan is evenly heated through.

2. Roast the tomatoes, garlic, and jalapenos until blackened and roasted through - 10 minutes for tomatoes and jalapenos, and an extra 5 for the garlic. Remove to cool.

3. Once cool, peel the garlic and throw the cloves into a food processor along with de-stemmed jalapenos and 1/4 tsp salt. Pulse, pausing to scrape the sides, until a coarse paste forms.

4. Peel the tomatoes over a bowl, reserving the juices. Add the tomatoes and juices to the food processor. Pulse with garlic/jalapeno paste until a chunky puree forms. Don't over-process, unless you want a thinner salsa.

5. Transfer the salsa to a bowl. Stir in diced onion, cilantro, remaining salt, and cider vinegar. Check seasoning.

It's really good if you allow the flavors to blend at room temperature for about an hour. Or you can just eat it right away - you've got no self control in the first place.

Down with the Supergroups!

2010-04-03T12:40:00.005-05:00

I have been currently really into Them Crooked Vultures. It’s in my car and along with the new Black Rebel Motorcycle Club album and I just can’t stop listening to it. I recently introduced the album to a friend of mine who has been a bit out of the music scene since becoming a dad. I told him the line-up he asked me if it was "some new rock supergroup.” The first thought that came to mind was a picture of the Damn Yankees.

Well, does Them Crooked Vultures qualify as another supergroup? No, not at all. For some reason the label of supergroup really leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. When I think supergroup, I think Velvet Revolver. It’s a pretty simple formula: shitty, pop rock ballads, skinny, ex-junkie musicians sobering up enough to convince other washed up, currently “between project,” ex-awesome musicians that their “addiction demons” are behind them and they are, “ready to rock.”. Throw them in a boiling rock cauldron and you’ve got yourself a “supergroup.” The thing about these so-called supergroups is, they suck. Starting a supergroup is never a good idea. It’s a result of egos not letting the body and person move into something outside of the limelight. Become a producer, direct music videos, stay in music but don’t, A. Join a supergroup or B.“TRY A SOLO PROJECT.” (See also: Sting. That’s just another can of worms for a future rant)

What’s even worse than supergroups are the pseudo-supergroups. Think Audioslave. This is a bizarre existence. For the cynical music fan like me, this is like a bad acid trip. Imagine going to a show where Rage Against the Machine comes out with Chris Cornell. Whoa, it’s like the '90s vomited on stage! In theory, this is awesome, but in reality, it sucks. The band no longer rocks out like Rage used to and Chris Cornell’s vocals are out of place. This is a square peg going into a round hole - it does not fit. The whole show is spent thinking about how if they did one thing or another more like Rage or Soundgarden it would be perfect. But they’re not, so it falls flat and fails.

This should have been a one night thing. Like a live band karaoke where Rage was the guest band and Chris Cornell happened to be at the same bar so he decided to get up and sing a few songs. (Preferably "Sister Christian" or ANY Black Flag, Ramones or ABBA song) Instead, they put out albums and toured. So you got to see Soundgarden live, cool. You once caught Rage Against the Machine on tour, nice. You purchased and Audioslave cd and/or saw them perform, you’re an idiot.

It’s time to stand up and say “enough with the Supergroups!” *

*Acceptable, sort-of Supergroups: Me First and the Gimme Gimmies and Probot.

BBQ Root Beer Pork

2010-03-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

"Crock Pot" ...

That phrase doesn't exactly conjure the image of men grilling out, smoking cigars, and drinking beer. But it happened, and actually it was green beer, around St. Patrick’s Day. Men do use crock pots - and why not? The food is ready when you get home from work, and it’s an easy process, requiring you to do roughly nothing between returning from the grind and consuming a good meal with a cold beer. Of course there are many recipes as complex as assembling a small engine – but who needs those? I say keep it simple. Italian beef – keeping it simple.
Cornish hens – simple. Ten-layer tortilla stack - not simple.

As we were talking about our recipes that dreary St. Paddy's weekend, it became clear that men like meat cooked slowly, cut up, and placed on some sort of bread. Not exactly a revelation, but an important realization.

Here may be the most uncomplicated recipe for slow cooked pulled pork I have ever come across courtesy of Michael "Tripod" Palm from the Chicago Western Burbs Man B Que Chapter. It doesn’t require a rub, hours of loading coals into a smoker or grill, making of a sauce, or the need to call your butcher for a pig. I say let your neighbors smell the delicious swine all day, then tell them “yes I like pig, and no you can’t have any.”

The Setup

1 bottle quality root beer
Pork tenderloin or loin
1 bottle BBQ sauce
Salt and pepper
Buns

I’ve tried to keep things in a Chicago theme by using Goose Island
root beer and Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.

Cooking

1. Trim fat from pork and place in crock pot.

2.Pour bottle of root beer over pork. Season the meat with salt and pepper.

3. Cook on low for 7-8 hours.

4. Shred pork and mix with BBQ Sauce. Serve on a bun alongside chips and potato salad.

Yes, it really is that easy. As you can see from the pictures I only used ½ of the loin that is
shown in the set up shot. I probably could have cut the loin in half and fit it, but then I’d be eating pork sandwiches for a week.

- Death Toll Scholl

Buena Vista Chops w/Citrus Sauce

2010-03-28T18:03:00.010-05:00

Editor's Note: This piece marks the debut of Man B Que's newest writer, Vizz. She (yes, that's right, she) will be sharing meat-centric recipes on a weekly-ish basis. Her excellent blog, Food vs. Face, can be found here.

When springtime rolls around, young men's thoughts turn to those of fancy (read: boners), but mine turn to food. As much as I would love to be grilling, my precious has a defective valve and I have to improvise. A food fare that incorporates much of my favorite animal (the pig), as well as bold (but not spicy) flavors and doesn't necessarily require a grill hails from the home of Castro, cigars as long as your arm, dominoes and the guyabera.

I've been known to keep a brick in the kitchen for making Cuban sandwiches and thumping hobos, so while the press-sandwich is easy and tempting, I wanted to experiment. Or, how do they say in Cuba, "prostituta?"

The set-up

Chops:
1 C corn flake crumbs
1 clove minced/crushed garlic
1 tbsp cilantro, finely chopped
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp cumin
1/4 pepper
2 tsp orange zest
4 pork loin chops (boneless or bone-in)
1/2 C buttermilk

Sauce:
olive oil
1/2 C fresh lime juice
4 tbsp orange juice
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp cilantro, finely chopped
honey or agave nectar to taste

Cooking

1. Preheat your oven to 400. Combine all of the dry ingredients for the chops (corn flake crumbs, seasonings, orange zest) in a shallow bowl. Fill another shallow dish with the buttermilk.
Prep in advance note: If you have time, let the chops sit in the buttermilk in the fridge for an hour or two. It's the same tenderizing process used in most Southern fried chicken.

2. Dip the pork chops into the buttermilk (if not already marinated in it), then into the crumb mixture on both sides. Use your hands to pack the crumbs onto both sides tightly.

3. Delicately* place them on a lightly oiled baking sheet and bake for 25-40 minutes, depending on the thickness of your chops. *Delicately (adv): Using extreme caution and care, like when you called your mom from jail.

They may look good enough to eat already, but it's worth the wait if you want to avoid worms.

While your pork is in the oven, get crackin' on your sauce, as it needs to be cooled in the refrigerator before serving.

4. Heat about 2 tbsp olive oil in a small saucepan over medium heat. Saute the garlic until it's just barely golden brown. Add your orange and lime juices, increase the heat a bit and bring it to a boil. Simmer for about 5 minutes. If you have honey or agave nectar on hand, add it while the sauce is simmering.

5. Remove from heat, add your cilantro, and stir to combine everything. I had a little orange zest left, so I threw that in as well.

6. Divvy into ramekins or one big sauce dish and refrigerate until your chops are done.

If you have extra thick pork chops, it's not a bad idea to check the internal temp to make sure it's reached 160 before serving.

Ive Missed You, Nirvana

2010-03-26T07:25:00.003-05:00

They say if you love something, let it go. If it was meant to be, it comes back to you. Well, it’s the same with music. I was recently going through my iTunes library when I realized I was missing a lot of good stuff I once owned. Being that I don’t exactly have my “own” place, I lack storage room and thus have to download songs more often than I buy CDs. Don’t judge me, dammit!.

I had the Nirvana song "Aneurysm" stuck in my head so I HAD to listen to it. When I pulled up my Nirvana collection, it was gone. More importantly, I realized that my whole Incesticide album was GONE. This was a true shame and I wanted, NEEDED, it back. It was like that girlfriend you once had, dumped and forgot about because time and subsequent girlfriends have pushed her further back into the memory’s dark corner, but thanks to technology and/or Facebook (FB being iTunes if you’re following the analogy) you were able to get her back! How easy. Except, it’s really just an album so you don’t have to deal with the threat or fear of the angry current husband/boyfriend or the shame that comes along with “tracking down” that lost love (score one for the stalkers!).

Anyway, Incesticide was a compilation that Nirvana released in 1992, after Nevermind had blown up, further extending the gap between teens and parents everywhere while giving that youthful angst a flanneled image coupled with a greasy mane. A few of the songs on Incesticide had been previously released on other EP’s, compilations and singles. I remember scouring record shops, looking for the latest Nirvana single just so I could get that extra, b-side and truly be “their biggest fan.” Do they still even make singles? Incesticide did all the record shop scouring for us. Interestingly, unlike Nevermind, Incesticide never even made it near the top 10 in the Billboard 200. It peaked at #39!

There are some real gems on the record, my personal favorites happen to be the most un-Nirvana soundings songs on the album. It was just great to hear my favorite band at the time go outside of their “grunge” norms. I especially love the 3 most poppy and friendly (how un-angry) songs on the album; "Been a Son" was originally on a 1989 EP (Blew) that was only released in the UK, "Molly’s Lips" and "Son of a Gun" were cover songs of a the Scottish band, The Vaselines. My other favorite is "Aero Zeppelin," a 1988 demo song that sounds as if it were written with an extended pot session in mind. There is also a great version of "Polly" that is the complete opposite of the sad and suicide-inducing version that appears on Nevermind. Again, I think the fact that these songs weren’t puked on with distortion and raped with over-production is what makes them so appealing to me.

Sigh. I’m so happy to have you back, my old love!

- The Godfather

A Mighty Fein Marinade

2010-03-24T09:59:00.002-05:00

Today's entry comes via Death Toll Scholl

Thanks to the power of Facebook, I was recently united with a high school classmate-turned-chef – Tim Fein. He suggested that his marinade recipe would hold up at any grilling event and could be used with any meat. I wondered if this marinate would really stand up to Man B Que standards so I decided to try it out on my new grill.

The Setup

A Fine Fein Marinade

3 c v8 juice
2 shots whiskey (2 oz.)
2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tbsp honey
¾ c oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp minced shallot
2 limes, juiced
3 tbsp of minced fresh cilantro
Salt and pepper

Cooking

Combine all the ingredients in a medium bowl, then apply to whatever you deign to grill. I applied it to shrimp, but think it would be a great chicken and beef marinade as well. I also grilled the shrimp skewers with some good corn on the cob - a prospect which is only going to improve as the weather improves and we venture into Illinois sweet corn season.

1. Shell, de-vein, and remove head from shrimp. Marinade shrimp for at least 30 minutes prior to grilling. Soak skewers if using wooden skewers.

2. If you haven't already, skewer the shrimp, allowing for even spacing between individual shrimp. Do not pluralize shrimp as "shrimps," because that is a fool-ass thing to do.

3. Shuck the outer layer of the corn, remove the silk, and soak in water for a few minutes.

4. Get your coals ready in a chimney starter, like so:

5. And set up your grill for indirect grilling, like so:

6. Remove your corn from the water and shake off excess.

7. Oil your grill grate and place corn over the direct heat, allowing for a couple of minutes per side before placing skewers over indirect heat.

8. Grill the shrimp 1-2 minutes per side, until pink.

9. Remove corn and skewers from grill, enjoy your feast of food with built-in handles.

Fast Food: Basil Goat Cheese Pizza

2010-03-21T15:04:00.007-05:00

Imagine how much better this would be if I could roll dough into a remotely recognizable geometrical shape. Magic, I tell you!

You know those nights where work sucks, the commute is a bastard, and the last thing you feel like doing is cooking? This recipe is perfect for those kind of nights, with time and effort comparable to picking up crappy takeout, and a much better result.

Using a pre-made crust might not be much of a foodie's purist approach, but Tuesday nights after an eight hour day don't always allow for that. This is still a fresh, fairly healthy meal that beats the hell out of obstructing your colon with Arby's.

Let's set out how to make a superb pizza in a half hour. But first, a tedious note about equipment!

Tedious Note

The instructions assume you have a pizza stone. I got mine as a gift, but if you don't have one, there are alternatives to dropping $40 on a stone at a fancy kitchenware store. You can use a cookie sheet, at the expense of the extra-crispy crust, or you can head down to Lowe's or Home Depot and ask for some unglazed quarry tiles. Buy a bunch of them and line the bottom of your oven with them, taking care not to block the vents. They're about 70 cents apiece. Buy extras in case a tile cracks. Go crazy. You'll get all the benefit of an expensive stone at a tenth of the price. Leaving them in the oven all the time will help temper them to heat changes and keep a more consistent temperature in your oven.

The Setup

1 pre-made pizza crust, 10 oz. (12")
2 tsp cornmeal
3 med garlic cloves, quartered
1 c arugula
1 c fresh basil leaves
1/2 tsp olive oil
1 tbsp grated fresh Parmesan
Salt and black pepper
4 oz goat cheese

You're also going to want a food processor and a pizza peel (the wooden pizza board you seen in every movie ever with a pizza parlor in it) along with the aforementioned stone/tiles. You're also definitely going to want fresh Parmesan, as opposed to the sawdust in the green can that you shake over pasta.

Cooking

1. Preheat oven to 500, allowing stone to heat up along with the oven.

2. Put the garlic, arugula, parmesan, basil, and olive oil in the food processor along with salt and pepper to taste. Pulse until a paste forms.

3. Spread cornmeal on pizza peel. Roll out dough on top.

4. Top the pizza with paste and goat cheese. Add additional toppings if you'd like, like cherry tomatoes, red pepper flakes, or some sopressata.

5. Slide pizza onto stone and bake until pizza is crisp and puffed, 6-9 minutes (see top picture, or ... you know, use common sense).

Home Sausagery: The Maxwell Street Polish

2010-03-19T14:12:00.006-05:00

The Maxwell Street Polish sausage is a true Chicago classic, a sort of hybridization of the classic hot dog and the kielbasa. It's the closest thing to street food we have in this overly-regulated town, minus a couple elotes stands in the neighborhoods.

According to various stories I've heard slurred from bar stools over the years, the Polish wasn't invented by a Polish guy at all, but a Macedonian immigrant named Jimmy. Now it's got a place in the Chicago food pantheon along with Italian beef, Chicago-style dogs, and deep dish.

Since UIC's push outward has relocated most of the original Polish purveyors, it's as good a time as any to start a Polish sausage tradition of your own. This comes straight from Death Toll Scholl, who may not be Macedonian, but definitely isn't Polish either.

Man B Que Maxwell Street Polish

3 lbs pork shoulder – cubed
1 lb bacon – cut into 1" pieces
1 tsp salt
2 tsp pepper
2 med onion – 1 finely chopped; 1 cubed
1 tsp ground mustard
1 bottle yellow mustard

1. Place all utensils and sausage making tools in freezer for at least 1 hour prior to beginning the grinding process. You don't want any of the fat getting warm and mushy - that will screw with your sausage-making in a powerful fashion. So everything must be as cold as possible. Some people just keep their meat grinders in the freezer at all times - if you've got the space, it might be a good idea to do so.

2. Cube pork and cut bacon and arrange on a cookie sheet; put in
freezer for at least 30 minutes.

3. While meat chills, mix the dry ingredients in a bowl and prepare onions.

4. Take cookie sheet out of freezer and add the cubed onion to the meat.

5. Grind meat/onion mixture into a cold bowl set on ice.

6. Using a Kitchenaid or other type of mixer, mix chopped onion, dry ingredients and mustard

7. Prepare sausage casing. There are various types of both organic (hog, lamb) and synthetic casings to use.

8. Stuff casing, as pictured.

9. Hang casing for 1 hour. Heat the grill while practicing your Macedonian-American accent (whatever that is).

Great English Food: Shepherd's Pie

2010-03-15T20:31:00.008-05:00

Picture snagged from here. PROPER!

English food has long been misunderstood in this country. Even classified as repulsive by those who may not appreciate the combination of beans and toast for breakfast. But some of us know better. A lot of that undeserved reputation seems to be a problem in translation. People from the UK have a history of taking perfectly delicious foods and giving them horrifically unappealing names.

- “A nice hearty sausage? Oy, let’s call that blood pudding”

- “Delicious back bacon? What’s a good name for that, mum? Roight, they’s called rashers, they is.”

- “Fruit dessert? That’s called trifle. Shut up, that's why.”

What you see is the foundation of American mistrust of British cooking. Had these people invented hamburgers, they probably would have named it Goatse (note: don’t Google that term if you don’t know it. Give thanks for your ignorance).

Smashy smashy!

Likewise, today’s meal suffers from a name that rubs Americans the wrong way. Shepherd’s pie is an excellent dish, especially in the fall/winter months. But when we hear the word pie, we expect it to be either topped with ice cream or torn out of a Hostess wrapper. Minced lamb (or venison, or beef, or unicorn), carrots, and mashed potatoes is quite the shock when one’s mind is conditioned to expect apples, sugar, and pastry. I’m not taking a side on who is “right” in this issue. I’m telling you to man up if you’ve never tried this before. It’s worth it.

The concept is simple, but you can take it a number of ways (see anal-retentive note below). You take minced or ground meat, brown it, and sweat some aromatic vegetables and herbs. You then combine these with some wine, broth, and maybe a little tomato paste. When the mix is nice and reduced, put it into a dish, top with mashed potatoes, and bake until the potatoes are nice and brown. Sing “God Save the Queen” (original or Sex Pistols version) and eat.

Yep, that's right. We used it a second time. That's how we roll.

(Note: Far as my ignorant Yank self understands, this dish is only deemed Shepherd’s Pie if you make it with lamb. Should you elect for venison [my favorite] or beef, it apparently becomes a Cottage Pie. It’s like magic.)

Shepherd's Pie

The Setup

That beer? That's for you, champ.

Pie filling
- 2 lb minced lamb or venison
- 1 white onion, small dice or minced
- 1 carrot, small dice or minced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 2 tbsp tomato paste
- 2 tbsp Worcestershire
- 3 sprigs fresh rosemary (This is important. Don't go dried if you can help it.)
- 1 c red wine
- 1 14 oz. can beef stock or broth
- 1 tsp allspice
- 1 tsp paprika
- Flour for dusting
- Salt and pepper
- Olive oil
Mashed potatoes
- 2-4 med/large russet potatoes (2 lb total)
- 1/2 stick (2 oz) unsalted butter
- 4-5 oz. whole milk

Cut it small. And on a Space Invaders cutting board. Both are key.

Cooking

1. If using cubed or minced meat, rather than ground, dust with flour. Season with salt and pepper.

2. Heat 1-2 tbsp oil in a 12-in skillet over med-hi. Brown meat in batches, adding oil during the process if necessary.

3. Add onion, carrot, and garlic. Cook for 5 minutes, until the onions and carrots begin to soften.

4. Add Worcestershire, tomato paste, and rosemary. Cook for another minute.

5. Pour in red wine. Bring to a boil and reduce until wine is almost evaporated.

6. Pour in enough stock/broth to cover ingredients. Check seasoning and simmer for another 20 minutes.

7. Add paprika and allspice. Preheat oven to 450.

8. Boil or simmer potatoes until tender. After potatoes cool, pass through ricer and whisk with butter and milk.

9. Spread meat mixture evenly around the bottom of a medium casserole or souffle dish. Top evenly with mashed potatoes, and use a fork to rough up the top of the potatoes. Kind of like this:

10. Bake at 450 for 25-30 min, until the top of the potatoes are browned to your liking.

Que For the Choir: The Belated Menu

2010-03-01T16:27:00.009-06:00

February 25th's Que For the Choir - and I may be biased here - was an excellent first public event for Man B Que. We (note: making no show of editorial independence or impartiality) ended up serving food to well over 100 ladies and gents of both vegetarian and meat-loving dispositions. And considering the fact that our shirts pointedly demonstrate the most delicious parts of the cow, the vegetarians were both extremely nice and incredibly trusting of our veggie/vegan options. Live and let live, I reckon.

Anyhow, this post is intended to set correct something that's been bugging me. I intended to design and laminate a menu for the gentlefolk of the event, but week-of preparations ended up getting the best of me. People ended up having to hear descriptions of the dishes from our lovely lady severs - the horror!

So if you attended the event and wondered what it is that was so delicious, then the answer is likely located below.

Meatless Options

My Sister's Vegan Chili (The Godfather) - Chopped peppers (bell, banana, jalapeno), red onion, portobello mushrooms, chili beans, and a little bit of love. Plant love, that is. Actual interpersonal love is not vegan.

Portobello Burgers (Ricky Thumbs) - Seasoned portobellos on a bun with whatever meatless toppings your too-healthy heart desires.

Grilled Veggie Salad (Joey Grease) - Asparagus, peppers, radishes, and whatever else we could find fresh, grilled and tossed with a homemade vinaigrette by Man B Que's own lovable Italian stereotype.

The Main Event

The Gordon Mays Gouda Haze Burger (The Godfather) - A cheese and butter-filled patty seared over charcoal and dropped onto a kaiser roll, because it will give you the strength to go out and punch the Kaiser. Too bad WWI ended a couple generations ago.

Four Funerals and a Wedding (Joey Grease) - Four kinds of bacon wrapped around a scallop. You will envy the scallop.

Death Toll Habanero Wings (Death Toll Scholl) - Real chicken wings (boneless wings are for housewives at Chili's) slathered in butter, cayenne, hot sauce, and real habaneros.

Babe/Bambi Crossover Burgers (JB Mays) - Come to terms with your cinematic childhood traumas in one delicious bite. A 50/50 mix of venison and pork combined with mushrooms, apples, dijon and worcestershire. Served on a King's Hawaiian roll with chopped raw onions and aged Vermont cheddar. (All-venison edition available for those keeping Kosher. We dig.)

The Original Linus Burger (Ricky Thumbs) - The centerpiece of Man B Que's vast menu, a fresh beef patty artfully built around a foundation of cheese. Served in two varieties - Blue cheese, basil cream reduction and fresh oregano; and triple-cheddar and bacon.

Vienna Beef Chicago-style Dog - From our friends and sponsors at VB comes a grilled all-beef frank with the entire murderer's row of fixings. No, you brain-dead philistine, there is no damn ketchup!

Man B Que Hot Wings

2010-02-18T17:13:00.007-06:00

Gluttony never looked so tender and juicy

Ah, Buffalo wings - beer makes you more delicious, and you make beer more refreshing. It's a relationship so heartwarming that Jack and Diane seem like Hitler and Eva Braun by comparison.

Prior to all the hipsters proclaiming love for tripe, kidneys, and tongue, Buffalo wings were the original culinary "one man's trash ..." story. As you all probably know, the wings were invented at the Anchor Bar in Buffalo, NY, as a way to get some use from a part of the chicken that was then thought of as garbage. A little hot sauce and blue cheese later, they've become so popular as to substantially screw with the price of chicken itself.

If you're going to do this, do it right. Get the jointed wings and chop those bad boys down to that familiar, recognizable shape for delicious preparation. Boneless wings are for chattering sorority girls and Guy Fieri ... I repeat myself. You want that satisfying pile of bones and gristle, paying tribute to your power as a barbaric man (or, if you prefer, Amazonian lady). If you work in retail or a cubicle, it's probably as bad-ass as you're going to feel the entire week.

It should be said right off the bat that we're calling these "Hot Wings" and not "Buffalo Wings." They are not prepared in the traditional Buffalo style (i.e., not fried to hell, more than 2 ingredients in the sauce), and people from that region get mighty uppity if you deviate. This might not be Buffalo, but you can enjoy a crispy skin with a much more tender and juicy inner wing. Who ever said Buffalo was perfect, anyway? Certainly not anyone who watched Super Bowls XXV-XXVIII.

The Setup

Don't forget, you also need a big plastic cup, featuring your alma mater, filled with half cheap whiskey and half Coke.

You'll need the following equipment:

- Good tongs (not the tiny ones that your mom bought you when you moved into your own place that make your hands cramp and look like Stephen Hawking's).

- Nonstick saute pan

- Large mixing bowl (for tossing wings in sauce)

- Rimmed baking pan lined with foil

Ingredients

1 dozen chicken wings (not wing pieces, actual chicken wings)
Four for dusting, seasoned with salt and pepper
3 tbsp vegetable oil
3 tbsp butter

8 tbsp hot sauce (in Buffalo, they use Frank's Red Hot. Just saying.)
8 tbsp butter (that'd be one stick. What, you expected health food?)
1 1/2 tbsp white vinegar
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp garlic salt
1/2 tsp Worcestershire
1/4 tsp salt

Cooking

1. Cut through the wings at each joint. Set wing tips aside for stock, or throw away. Or do whatever you want. They're yours. Just don't try to make them into hot wings. That'd be gross.

2. Place all sauce ingredients (that second grouping of things above) in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil briefly, then simmer over low, stirring to prevent sticking.

If you want the traditional sauce recipe, than ignore everything but the butter and hot sauce.

3. Dust chicken wings in seasoned flour. Shake off excess. Preheat oven to 375.

4. Heat 2 tbsp each of the butter and oil over med/med-hi, depending on your oven range. Using both butter and oil will keep the butter from burning in the pan.

Cast iron works too. But if you put that in the dishwasher when you're done, I'll come over and punch you in the throat.

5. Brown wings in skillet for 3-4 min, until nice and golden. Flip then and repeat. Remove to baking pan.

If you want, you can brush your wings with sauce at any time during the following steps. It's going to lead to much less crispy skin, but they'll be both juicy and saucier than a 1920s burlesque performer. Your call.

6. Bake in the oven at 375 for 30-35 min, depending on the size of the wings.

The chicken juice and sauce leaking off of the sides of the pan, on to my oven floor, explains why I recommend a rimmed baking ban. Do as I say, not as I capture on film.

7. Turn oven up to 400, and bake for an additional 10 minutes.

8. Pour finished wing sauce into bowl. Remove pan from oven. Throw the wings into the sauce a half-dozen at a time, and toss in the bowl.

9. Crack open a cold beer, mutter "hell yes" to no one in particular, and throw on the DVD of Roadhouse. Enjoy yourself.

With an entire bowl of extra sauce - dip the celery in it, brush your teeth with it, or just drink it alone in the dark while staving off tears. Hooray for dignity!

Sasuagefest

2010-02-15T15:13:00.003-06:00

Sausage Queen, 1958. Angioplasty Queen, 1965.

Oh, the horror of the sausagefest. It's a constant fear of the party and bar goer. This sausage fest is a little different. Ground meat spiced with flavors that are out of this world. Yes I am referring to packaged meat. What could be better than a good old fashioned fresh sausage, hot dog, bologna, summer, or any other variety of encased meat known to man? Well, a little alone time with your woman, I suppose.

But as far as what goes on the table, I think it’s a very short list. What other single food item can cross all meal boundaries? It's breakfast, it's lunch, it's a snack wherever, or an elegant dinner (possibly on a bun). Everyone's familiar with breakfast sausage as a staple, but what other types of sausage are out there? Cajun is one category. These sausages are a mix and adaptation of many European cultures; boudin and andouille are two of the most widely-known. Another option would be German sausage - bratwurst or frankfurters, among others. Other European nations also have great sausage; Poland has Kielbasa, and Spain has chorizo.

Then we've got Italian sausage. Sausage was originally a method of preparing tougher or much less desirable cuts of meat and packaging them with enough spices and seasoning to choke a goat. Nowadays, the quality of meat is much better, but you still never know. Buying sausage is in my mind one of those things that can be dicey, you never know what some folks may think is acceptable for use in sausage. Therefore I suggest making your own. Grinding your own meat can be a time consuming and EXTREMELY messy, the first time I did it without supervision I managed to splatter pork blood on the ceiling and walls of my mother’s kitchen - BIG, BIG mistake (though even she thought it was exceptional sausage when it was all cleaned up).

I grew up watching the great men in my life make everything they ate. No matter what it was, growing a garden, hunting or fishing for meat, they made some of the best food ever. Sausage was a tradition. We made it all breakfast sausage mostly but we dabbled in other varieties. This is one of our favorites.

Italian Cheese & Red Wine Sausage

4 lbs. boneless pork butt or shoulder
2 tbsp coarse-ground fennel seed
2 bay leaves, crushed
1/4 c chopped parsley
5 cloves garlic, crushed
1/2 tsp dried red pepper flakes
2 tsp salt
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 c grated Romano or Parmesan cheese
3/4 c dry red wine
4 yards sausage casing

Grind the meat using the coarse blade. Mix all ingredients together and allow the mixture to sit for 1 hour before stuffing into casings.

Apology Chipotle Burger

2010-01-22T17:17:00.010-06:00

Man B Que is a huge part of my life and I spend a lot of time promoting the whole concept. It's great, I travel A LOT for work and everywhere I go I tell people about it and they always seem to respond with great enthusiasm. Never is this more true than when being around family. Unlike at work where everybody wants to give me a "great" recipe I "have" to try, my family is chill. They want to get to know what this "Man B Que" thing is that I have been obsessing about and more importantly, they want a peek into the grilling maniac mind so they can understand this odd passion.

I'm out in Connecticut for work and I've been spending time with my aunt Armandina and my uncle Al, they wanted to take me out to dinner, so they let me pick the place. I decided to go to a "world famous" pizza place that everybody raves about. Big mistake. (I'll rant about this on the upcoming East Coast Pizza Wars blog) Anyway, I felt like a big ass, so I figured, the best way to counteract a bad food experience is with a great one. I didn't want to rely on some restaurant, so being the "Man B Que Godfather," I dug into my meat eating brain and created a new burger just for them. I named it the "Apology Chipotle Burger" because "I'm Sorry Aunt Armandina and Uncle Al Chipotle Burger" was way too long.

This is a smokey flavored burger with just the right amount of bite. The chipotle seasoning gives it the smoky flavor and combined with the pepper jack cheese give it a bit of a bite. My suggestion is to serve these on a nicely toasted and buttered kaiser roll and topped with either slices of avocado or a large scoop of guacamole.

Enjoy!

Ingredients:
1.25 Lbs. ground beef: organic, veggie fed 87% lean (yields 3 large burgers)
1 chopped green pepper
1/2 cup chopped oregano
1/2 Lbs. diced hot pepper jack cheese
8 tbsp. of butter
1 egg: organic, vegetarian fed
1/2 Cup of seasoned bread crumbs
Guacamole or avocado

Seasoning ingredients:
.25 cup chili powder
1 tablespoon dried cilantro
1 tablespoon cumin
1 tablespoon Mexican oregano, leaves
1 tablespoon dried sweet basil leaves
1/2 tablespoon garlic powder
1/2 tablespoon dried thyme leaves
1/2 tablespoon crushed chipotle pepper

1. Start off by mixing all of your seasoning ingredients in a small bowl, place the bowl to the side for now. The amount I've recommended makes a bit more than 1/2 cup of seasoning.

2. In a large bowl, mix in the green peppers and cheese with the ground beef. Make sure the ingredients are nice and evened out.

3. Melt the butter. After melting add your butter add the egg and whip both together.

4. Add cilantro and seasoning mix to the whipped egg/butter and mix both evenly.

5. Combine the beef with the butter mix. While mixing the two, add in your bread crumbs. Again, make sure everything is nice and evenly mixed.

4. Shape your patties. I like starting them off as almost a meat ball and then massaging them down to a flatter shape.

5. Place the patties on some foil and stick in the freezer for about 30 min

6. After removing from the freezer, throw your burgers on the grill. For higher heat, place for about 10 minutes per side, medium heat about 14 minutes per side.

7. Add sliced avocado to the top of the burger or a large scoop of avocado.

8. Eat the f@ck out of these burgers because they will be delicious.

-The Godfather

The Home Place: Traditional Hatchie Botton Stew

2009-12-17T12:36:00.001-06:00

Down Home

Down home cooking - what is it to you? Everyone has their own version. A meal traditionally served at a certain time or on a specific occasion. Usually a hearty comfort food that cures what ails you. It could be your family's Christmas morning breakfast or just the annual Thanksgiving meal. To me, it's something special, a meal that has been eaten by my ancestors for over a century. It's called Hatchie Bottom Stew, and it's my down home meal. The stew around the West Tennessee homelands originated with a number of things that come together only in the Fall season, when temperatures start to cool, and a hearty, warm stew is the ultimate comfort food. This is a stew inspired by my ancestors from Virginia, where the traditional Brunswick stew is a staple food. It may be served at squirrel-hunting camps, family reunions, church dinner-on-the-grounds, political rallies, or any other gathering.

Our farmer friends often freeze the basic ingredients and make a stew in the middle of winter when farming slows down. Fall is the ultimate food season to me because:

1) The late crop of sweet corn is at its peak.
2) The tomatoes are late in the season and are the sweetest and most flavorful.
3) Squirrel season has opened, and the little critters are plentiful.

The Setup

It's a simple food, taking very few ingredients, but lots of time, and usually some help with the stirring. Because this dish does take time, it's recommended that it be prepared outside, as is traditional, in the biggest pot you can find. Perhaps something in the near-bath tub variety. Your normal kitchen utensils need not apply to this task - you'll need a wooden tool that more closely resembles a boat paddle.

Now for the ingredients, you can make as big of a stew as you can fit in you pot, but the ingredients are as follows:

- One chicken (skin, meat and bones)

- One squirrel (not required, but traditional), meat and bones

- One stalk of celery, roughly chopped

- One onion, cut into eight chunks

- One can diced tomatoes

- One can corn

Cooking

The method can be somewhat of a marathon. This is where the help comes in.

1. First, fill your large pot with all your meat, the celery, and the onion. Fill the rest of the pot with water. Then bring it to a boil.

2. Once it is boiling, cover it and turn off the heat (do not uncover until the outside is cool to the touch). By this time the meat will be cooked through. Now it is time to pick it. Begin pulling the meat off of the bones making sure to keep everything but keep the meat separate (this means no cartilage). It doesn't hurt to quickly run a knife through the meat to make sure that none of the pieces are too stringy and long.

3. After you have this completed, strain half of your original liquid, put meat in strained liquid and begin to simmer, stirring occasionally.

4. The rest of the liquid should then be boiled with the bones and skin to produce an excellent stock. As the pot with the meat begins to thicken and reduce, the addition of the stock is recommended after straining (when stock is finished, bones may then be discarded).

5. Once all liquid is added it is time to add the tomatoes. Continue to simmer for an hour, then add the corn, once the corn is added, the stew will begin to thicken quickly and will begin to stick to the sides. To combat this, constant stirring is necessary for an additional hour. After this final hour the stew is ready to serve.

The stew - not quite thick enough yet, but it will tighten up as time goes by

Serving

Service of the stew should be done quickly while it is still hot, or cooled in small batches and frozen. In my mind, only four things are appropriate as accompaniments: white bread, saltine crackers, cheddar cheese, and hot sauce. Anything else is just too much.

Further musings

The Anti-Recipe - Many great foods have great recipes. To make Hatchie Bottom Stew great, it is more important to observe what you don't do, and what you don't put in it. My Grandma Dorothy grew up at the center of the stew universe. Her highest compliment is "Well, I hear he makes a real clean stew."

Anti-Ingredients:

- No Chicken knuckles (Bone-end cartlidge -- see Squirrel Heads, below)

- No Squirrel heads (Pick the meat out of the stock, then strain, rather than trying to pick stuff out of the stew pot as it floats by while cooking.)

- No Shotgun Pellets (Again, strain the stock and only put in the final pot what you want to eat!)

- No Livers or Gizzards (There is no more "dirty" stew than one that has livers and gizzards floating by. It's even dirtier if you grind them up. [See Anti-Method below.] Yuck!!!!! Dirty rice is one thing, dirty stew is entirely unacceptable.)

- No Butterbeans (Many good Brusnwick Stew recipes include butterbeans aka Lima Beans. That's fine, soup with butterbeans is often really good, it's just not stew)

- No Green vegetables (That might make it healthy)

- No Strawberries (Some noted stew-making friends of ours always froze mass quantities of stew ingredients whenever they were in season. They also froze a big batch of strawberries. You can see that train wreck coming. Actually, the amount of strawberries in the mass quantity of stew made little difference, but the story was good!)

Anti-Method - Do not grind anything you put in stew. Many people put their stew through a meat grinder. You grind meat for Vienna Sausage and Potted Meat. NOT STEW!!!! Your pulled chicken meat should be chopped up chicken salad size. I guess some people grind their stew to avoid that stringy old rooster!

- Dirt McGurt

Cover Me Christmas: Just Lay Down the Track...

2009-12-17T09:53:00.002-06:00

Listen, love and get filled with Great Lakes Christmas Ale to a great cover of Hanoi Rock's "Dead By Christmas" by the Murder City Devils.

Man B Que-Approved: Leon's

2009-12-16T08:35:00.007-06:00

Ed. Note: Please welcome the KingT to the Man B Que blog. He's a born and raised Chicagoan who runs the ChiBBQKing blog. This article originally appeared here, and now we're printing it for some of that sweet, sweet reflected glory.

Is Chicago a BBQ town? most out of towners might think so but others from here and also those who aren't might disagree. I view us as a 2nd tier BBQ destination. I also believe there was a time back in the day when it was much more of a presence here in Chicago. However there aren't too many places that aren't considered a part of the BBQ trail that have their very own regional style of 'cue. If you go to any respectable and real BBQ place in Chicago they will have a few things for sure. Rib Tips and links that are smoked in an aquarium style smoker is pure Chicago. While I don't consider Chicago to be an amazing BBQ town it has its fair share of places that have always done it right. One of these famous destinations and well known establishments is Leon's.

Just like any other spot in the food game if you've been around since 1941-which Leon's has-you are going to become legendary. Mississippi native Leon Finney Sr. started to smoke out Chicago in 1941. He started the business with his aunt and to this day it remains in the Finney family. As time passed and the legend grew they expanded and have quite a few locations in the area. Just like anywhere else that has this many outposts, the quality can vary. Also like any BBQ place the consistency can vary. There are a few Leon's including the one Lincoln Park that are franchised owned but I never go to them. If you want the real pork you have to make it to the southside to get the up to par standard that Leon Sr. set the bar with. I have heard that one of the older locations is the 79th street spot in South Chicago. I think its most likely the only location I've been to. It's another spot I've been hitting up since I had my license. Its located off the skyway on 79th just past Stoney.

Now don't get me wrong, I love ribs and they are one of my favorite things to eat but I usually order rib tips from Chicago BBQ joints. Its a part of our cuisine and when done up right I enjoy them greatly. The perfect combination of smoke and fat can make for a heavenly snack. I always order my BBQ with sauce on the side. I don't think smoked meat should be slathered in BBQ sauce. It takes away from the flavor and texture when its swimming in sauce. Its not that I don't like BBQ sauce with my smoked meat I just prefer to dip each bite ever so slightly so I get a taste of pig, smoke and sauce. The rib tips at Leon's can be good not great but usually very good. They have some good smoke flavor but sometimes can be too fatty, chewy and or just not chopped right which is more about the prep then taste.

It was on a day that Leon's was out of rib tips that I discovered their hot links. Obviously I have a love for encased meat along with a love for spicy and smokey. So hot links are one of my ideal eats and one of my favorite spots for them is at Leon's. I would recommend getting the dinner plate which is always enough for leftovers. However one of their great deals is the hot link sandwich which for under $4 gets you a couple links some of their fresh cut fries and a few pieces of wonder bread all soaked in their BBQ sauce. The sandwich is a meal in itself and has been in the lunch or dinner rotation for many people throughout the years. Leon's does it up consistently and that's what people are comfortable with. Its also one of those places where everything on the menu is popular from the ribs to the wings and everything in between. It's one of those stops that if your going to claim Chicago, well then you better know about the original.

- KingT

Manly Mixtape Monday: Your Black-Eyed Peas Antidote

2009-12-14T11:38:00.000-06:00

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

There's a reason that hip hop has a bad reputation - everyone representing the genre on TV is either an idiot like Lil Jon or a bland, Wal-Mart friendly group like the Black-Eyed Peas. The latter is especially egregious. Their latest, "I've Gotta Feeling," mixes in Yiddish to prove that the group can suck in not just one, but two languages.

Luckily, we've got a solution for all of that. What follows is a selection of six excellent hip hop songs guaranteed not to throw you into a homicidal rage.

Madvillain - "All Caps"

Madvillain is the collaborative project between producer Madlib and rapper MF Doom, the greatest supervillain-themed rapper ever to throw down a verse. This animated video may invoke some Saturday morning nostalgia, but don't be mistaken, Doom wears that mask in real life as well. This Mixtape could easily be all Doom all the time.

Digable Planets - "Rebirth of the Slick (Cool Like Dat)"

Everyone's got the 1990s one-hit wonder that they can't stop enjoying. I suppose this is mine. If you want to see the video - which is actually pretty well shot - you'll have to link over to YouTube. The record label of this long-disbanded group apparently thinks embedding the real thing will hurt their sales. Jackasses.

Common - "Be"

Common is undoubtedly one of Chicago's finest, even if "Terminator: Salvation" sucked. I mean - one Terminator in the Terminator factory? What the Hell, man? But I'm getting off-topic. Despite the fact that parts of this video look suspiciously like NYC, I'll let that slide. I dig the line "Chicago nights, they stay on the mind." I'd agree, but add that a lot of those memories feature extended blurry spots.

Jurassic 5 - "What's Golden"

J5's three really good albums make up for recording a song with Dave Matthews on their last, terrible, one. They were a lot better than Wu-Tang at successfully incorporating the styles of multiple MCs. Now they're gone, and I blame Dave Matthews.

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Panjabi MC, feat. Jay-Z - "Beware"

I have an unexplainable love for Indian music, which I neither attempt to apologize for or explain. Apparently, this is something I have in common with Jay-Z, who during his time as the biggest rapper in the world decided to contribute a few verses to the debut U.S. album of an obscure but talented Indian hip hop artist. Jay is actually contributing to an existing track - "Mundian to Bach Ke" - which is itself based on the Knight Rider theme. Sweet. As is the bitchin' Bollywood-influenced video, edited down from the original song's video.

The Roots, feat. Cody Chesnutt - "The Seed 2.0"

The Roots are madly talented - why they ever decided to back up Jimmy Fallon's unfunny schtick on late night, I will never know. At least it's a steady paycheck for a band that puts on the most amazing live show I've ever seen.

- JB Mays

Thanksgiving Leftovers: Three-Time Gumbo

2009-11-26T11:43:00.001-06:00

When Thanksgiving's just past and everyone has gone home, you're left with what some might consider leftover hell. Some eighteen pounds of the massive turkey that you and your family tried valiantly to eat on Thanksgiving Day is still left and there is no way you can stomach that many turkey sandwiches.

Some would say throw it to the dog, like my great uncle - “Never seen a dog that couldn’t eat a turkey carcass.” Thanks, Uncle Roy. But don’t feed your dog the leftover turkey - for at least two reasons: (1) if the dog is not used to eating those small hollow bird bones, and it will most likely kill the thing, and (2) The meat and bones are a wonderful base for a fine gumbo.

Of course, you can still save the white meat for sandwiches and the revisited thanksgiving dinner. This recipe uses all that hard-to-get meat, the stuff stuck to the bones. Gumbo is a an American tradition, especially in Louisiana, but you don’t have to be from there to eat like a Cajun. Pretty soon you will all be saying: J’adore me gumbo (I love gumbo).

This gumbo recipe is called Three Time Gumbo, but it can be made in a day - a long day, but still one day. It's called Three Time because it freezes really, really well. So well, in fact, that when a batch was entered into a local contest it won. The next year the winners decided to enter more of the same batch - why risk a bad batch? It won then too, and then again the next year. Hence, three time prize-winning gumbo. We will have to go freezer-diving to see if it can make Four Time but we're content with three for now.

Three Time Gumbo

The Dallas Cowboys or the Detroit Lions are on TV. All the relatives have headed for home. You've put away the desserts. All the sliced turkey and cranberry sauce is in the fridge. But there lays the turkey bones and a bunch of meat on them. What do you do? That turkey was pretty awesome. I'm not going to throw it out.

I think ahead. There's a gumbo contest coming up next fall. There's room in the freezer. What do you do? Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey Gumbo.

Thursday, late afternoon (Thanksgiving Day)

Six seconds after Kirstie Alley showed up

- 1 Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey (Bones, Juice, Skin, Everything that you haven't carved)

- 1 Root end from a bunch of celery, what you have left when you cut off the bottom 2-3 inches, quartered (or an equivalent amount of leaves, ends, trimmings, etc.)

- 2 onions, Quartered and just rinsed, skin and all

- The bottom ends of a bunch of parsley, if you've got it. A tablespoon of dried parsley if you don't.

- 1 tbsp peppercorns

- 2 cloves garlic, smashed

1. Cover carcass with water in the biggest stock pot you can find. Simmer about an hour, or until halftime of the football game. Pull out any pieces of the turkey that may render any meat using a slotted spoon. Rest until cool enough to handle. Pull any meat, roughly chop, and refrigerate.

2. Throw everything else back into the stock and simmer through the rest of the football game, at least three hours. Strain the stock, throw away the vegetables, skin and bones. Refrigerate the stock.

Black Friday

The quickest way to lose faith in humanity

You're so sick of Thanksgiving food, cooking, and everything else. Go back to work for the day and don't think about any of this stuff. Should you have any inspiration, you can start shopping for your Saturday gumbo cooking extravaganza, just try and avoid malls, boutiques, and for goodness sakes don’t go near Wal-Mart. Suicidal ideations never helped anyone make gumbo.

Saturday (Time to Cook!)

"I ga-ron-tee that you find my stereotypical Cajun accent amusing"

- 1/2 c oil (or preferably bacon grease)

- 1 c flour

- 1 c chopped onion

- 1 c chopped green onions

- 1/2 c chopped bell pepper

- 1/2 c chopped parsley

- 1/2 c chopped celery

- 1 gallon turkey stock (from above)

- 3 cloves garlic, smashed and chopped

- 1 tbsp fresh mint or 1/2 teaspoon crushed dried mint

- 3 cups okra, sliced 1/2 inch (frozen is fine)

- 1 pound andouille sausage or smoked sausage (sliced about 3/8 inch thick)

- 1 pound (2 c) leftover turkey meat (or more if you don't have other uses)

- Cayenne or hot sauce to taste

- 2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

- Salt to taste

1. Heat the oil in a large skillet or dutch oven over medium-high heat, and add the flour to make a dark roux. (Most good Louisiana cookbooks will give instructions on a roux.)

2. When the roux is a good chocolate brown, add the next five ingredients in stages, stirring carefully until onions are translucent. Stir in the part of the stock to make a paste. Add the garlic and stir into the paste.

3. Transfer to your large, heavy bottom stock pot, and then add the rest of the stock. When all the stock is stirred in, then add all the remaining ingredients. Cover and simmer over low heat at least three hours, stirring frequently.

Serving: All this makes about 8 quarts or so of finished gumbo. Each quart will serve about 4. Serve over rice with crusty French bread and butter. Whatever you are not eating, cool, package, and freeze in quart containers. (I generally use quart freezer bags.)

This is a basic and traditional gumbo. It's good served as-is. Add shrimp, oysters, and/or crabmeat to make it a seafood gumbo. You can do that when you heat up a quart. Just always have some frozen. There's always a gumbo contest out there somewhere.

- Dirt McGurt

Thunderdome: Man B Que v. Professional Hamburglar

2009-11-25T10:04:00.001-06:00

Sadly, The Hamburglar Touch led to the Hamburglar Restraining Order and the Hamburglar Tamper-Proof Ankle Monitor.

As has been frequently documented, Man B Que has a borderline-unhealthy fixation with burgers. This is something we share with Kevin Pang, who, no kidding, holds the title of Chicago Tribune Cheeseburger Bureau Chief. While I still think Professional Hamburglar is a much cooler title, being the the host of The Cheeseburger Show isn't exactly a bad resume line either.

Aside from being a dream title, I imagine that Pang has a pretty tough job. Imagine it - you love cheeseburgers, then suddenly you have to grind through tens of dozens of them on deadline. And I'm guessing it's not all top of the line gourmet jobs. Anyone's who has had a ketchup-drowned hockey buck on a soggy bun would likely agree. Point being, the man's got some authority, and has used it to create 16 observations on the state of Chicago burgerdom.

I applaud this Herculean cheeseburger effort, but it's apparent that Pang and Man B Que have somewhat diverging taste. And given that Man B Que is no slouch in the burger category, we're going to throw in on the matter. So herein, we are going to use the beauty of Fair Use to offer our comments on Pang's final sermon in Hamburglary. No hard feelings, and no veggie burgers. Our comments in italics.

Pang's Cheeseburger Commandments

1. Ketchup and mustard are overrated as condiments. Too acidic and pungent, respectively. If you must, add a little. Underrated: mayo.

Agreed about the criminal overuse of ketchup in a lot of burgers. Have you been to Portillo's and ordered a burger? It's like eating a ketchup sandwich with beef garnish. But mayo? Underrated? Mayo is a disgusting abomination, and putting it on a burger detracts from its original intended use - as salad dressing for ridiculously fat people.

2. Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek. That said, the Tallgrass beef burger at Harry Caray's Tavern, above, is most excellent (3551 N. Sheffield Ave., across from Wrigley Field). Order it rare or medium-rare.

Second one in, and you're starting to lose people. Not a lot of people refer to a burger by the name of the purveyor. Strike one. Strike two - unctuousness. Sure, you get what he means, but that doesn't change the fact that he's saying it sort of like a douche. And if you don't get it, that means it's two things you have to look up. That's a lot of work for a line in a burger article.

3. Texture and mouth feel are important considerations. Easiest way to improve this: Ask for toasted buns (buttered, preferably). You can actually taste the difference between toasted and untoasted buns.

Again, a good lesson wrapped in a thin candy shell of fancy-pantsery. Toasted buns are good, soggy burgers are gross. Why must we bring "mouth feel" into it? A lot of people who love food and cooking would still sooner punch you in the back of the head than listen to you rave about "mouth feel."

4. Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? Red Robin's A.1. Peppercorn Burger.

This tip brought to you by Red Robin.

5. Favorite turkey burger? Found at Marc Burger, Marcus Samuelsson's food court burger joint on the seventh floor of Macy's in the Loop.

Favorite turkey burger? That's like saying "least painful root canal." Also, many may not feel like going up to the 7th floor of that godforsaken store to eat a food court burger.

6. When they say "Kobe" ... With very few exceptions, any burger labeled "Kobe" is essentially a burger that costs $5 more. (Also, the "Kobe" label is misleading. It probably doesn't come from the Hyogo prefecture in Japan. It's like wrongly labeling sparkling wine as "Champagne" when it didn't come from the Champagne region in France.)

Excellent tip - also of note: that Kobe business costs $16-30 an ounce. So that $6 plate of "Kobe sliders" at Finn McCool's is just a plate of lies.

7. The best patties I've had are cooked on a griddle top. Something about stewing in their own fat.

Amen! Hallelujah! Steamed Hams!

8. Fries? Glad you asked. Although french fries fried in duck fat are in vogue, serious gourmands know potatoes fried in beef tallow are far superior. The flavors are more robust, buttery, savory. Top Notch Beefburgers (2116 W. 95th St.) and Labriola Bakery Cafe (3021 Butterfield Road, Oak Brook) do excellent beef tallow fries, pictured above.

Honestly, most of us are never going to seek out fries on the basis of the substance in which they were fried, but those Hot Doug's duck fries are tasty. Chicago's a good town for fries. It's a good town for heart disease too, but that's a separate story.

9. Consider balance. Don't just pile your favorite ingredients and accouterments between two buns. Example: The smokiness of bacon demands to be paired with American cheese (or perhaps a less-sharp Cheddar). The earthiness of mushrooms pairs better with a milder cheese, such as a Swiss or provolone, perhaps Gruyere.

And this marks the first time someone's ended a sentence in a cheeseburger article with "perhaps Gruyere."

10. Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. They just end up overpowering the burger.

Agreed. Feta can be alright, but bleu tastes like kitchen chemicals and brie smothers the sandwich like the haughty judgment of a chain-smoking Frenchman.

11. Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way.

Damn straight. A big piece of lettuce ends up acting like an emergency exit for the more delicious toppings.

12. There is no greater flavor combination than bacon plus cheese plus caramelized onions.

I call subjective. It's the food blogger equivalent of calling someone a witch.

13. Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping.

Here we find that Kevin's been spending a little too much time around other food industry people, and a little too much time eating a sit-down burger places. What your bok choy-loving friends might find cute doesn't translate to the rest of us poor schlubs. Also, "look out bacon"? Don't warn meat. It's unseemly.

14. Best bang for your buck. Schoop's (19 locations, mostly in northwest Indiana and Calumet region of Illinois), and Illinois Bar and Grill, above, (4135 W. 47th Ave. in Chicago's Archer Heights; 1131 S. State St. in Lemont; and at Midway Airport).

This tip brought to you by ... oh, wait I made that joke already. Maybe we can go with 14 commandments next time?

15. Favorite fast-food burger? A tie between Steak 'n Shake, above, and Schoop's. Both have something in common: beef patties with thin, crispy edges that accentuate the "steak" flavor.

Do I hear 13? 13 commandments? Also, Steak 'n Shake is a cop-out answer. That's not your classic fast food. Casual sit-down or diner, perhaps. Although give it to Steak 'n Shake, their northwest burbs branches have enough surly, toothless waitstaff to compete with any fast food place in pure customer service misery.

16. The biggest rule of all: There is no rule. If it tastes good to you, it tastes good.

So to sum up, we have 4 rules that are really just the names of places to eat, and 1 that negates all the previous rules. And an editor couldn't have cut this down to an even ten?

Harvest Ales: 'Tis the Season to Be Hoppy

2009-11-17T10:24:00.001-06:00

Alright hop heads, it’s my favorite time of the beer-drinking year - fall. When the leaves turn and the temperatures start to drop, I can’t help but think of the arrival of seasonal harvest brews. Harvest (or wet-hopped) beers are special because they utilize the freshest hops available. The result is very much evident in the fresh flavor profiles of these once-a-year beers.

When hops are harvested, they are typically dried and either kept in whole leaf form, or made into pellets or plugs. The drying process allows the hops to stay fresh for a longer period of time so brewers are able to make beer all year round. But once a year when the hops are ripe, brewers get a unique opportunity to use the freshest hops around.

Wet-hopped beers are different from most others in the fact that the hops never go through the drying process. The hops are picked straight from the vine and are immediately used by the brewer. The only way this works is that the hops have to be directly thrown in the brew kettle right after harvest time. Because the hops haven’t been dried, time is of the essence and you need to get them into the boil before they go bad.

The resulting beer is very much akin to using fresh herbs and spices as opposed to dried when cooking. The flavor is less biting and you can taste a “green-ness” that is unmatched. What you are looking for in a great harvest ale is that beautiful grassy hop flavor. It is for this reason that you DO NOT age these beers. Even after the beer has been bottled, the hop profile can die with age just like any other beer. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Make sure to pick up your harvest beers from a reputable beer retailer that rotates selection often. This ensures that you’re not getting last years batch. Place the beers towards the front of the fridge so you don’t forget they’re there. There’s no such thing as drinking too much during the hop harvest season.

Cheers from Hop Cast!

Some examples of wet-hopped beers to look for…

Three Floyds Broo-Doo
Two Brother Heavy Handed IPA
Founders Double Trouble
Sierra Nevada Chico Estate Harvest Ale
Great Divide Fresh Hop Pale Ale
Surly Wet

- Hopcast Ken

Manly Mixtape Monday: Mom and Dad's Records

2009-11-09T21:48:00.000-06:00

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

As adolescents and young adults, the great majority of us spend time rebelling against the music of our parents. Certainly, we reason, the new contemporary stuff builds on the shoulders of all that came before. Which stands to reason that Incubus on CD is totally better than Pink Floyd on vinyl. This, dear friends, proves that you and I were fucking stupid as teenagers. The truth is, as much time as we spend swimming against the tide, we often end up not only embracing, but really loving the same stuff as our parents. That is, unless your parents were nerds, lame, or bible-thumping weirdos. Mine weren't - I didn't admit it until much, much later (well, now) but they had some taste in music. Here are six of my favorites.

The Police - "So Lonely"

Before Sting became a hilarious parody of ... well, Sting, he fronted a group that had excellent, tight ska-infused rock/pop songs. You might not get this from some of their later or more popular work (drunk people have ruined "Roxanne"), but the Police started with two albums of startling urgency that still hold up well today. You'd do well to check them out.

America - "Horse With No Name"

This song personifies the music of my parents - I initially hated it just for that. But this song remains catchy and haunting, even 200 listens later.

Willie Nelson - "Whiskey River"

As a child, I didn't know much about whiskey. I just knew it figured into a lot of the music my family enjoyed. Certainly I didn't connect it with the fact that when my dad took the 7-Up out of the fridge and poured a glass, the end result looked darker and tasted stranger than when I did the same thing. Kids are dumb. Later, I would learn it was the greatest thing in the history of things.

Creedence Clearwater Revial - "Bad Moon Rising"

Even as a kid, I loved the Creedence tapes in the house, and I hated the fucking Eagles. This is one of the many reasons The Big Lebowski blew my mind.

Jim Croce - "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"

A provincial chap like myself has to work a Chicago reference in here somewhere. And this song - about a badass getting fucked up by another, bigger, badass - appeals to my Chicago love. Never mind the fact that as a longtime North Sider, I'm genetically frightened of anything south of Jackson. This song about the South Side kicks ass.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

Clearly, this was a Neil Young contribution to the supergroup. As a kid, this song gave me chills, and I had no idea why. As an adult, I know why, but the power hasn't diminished one bit.

The next time you're visiting the folks, take a look through their music collection. You might be surprised. I left out at least a dozen classics. If you find nothing but the Bay City Rollers, however, I command you to destroy the site with cleansing fire. I'm fairly certain it's legally justified.

- J.B. Mays

The Tailgate: Nuclear Steak Bomb

2009-10-28T08:07:00.001-05:00

Are all sandwiches created equal? The existence of Vegemite suggests that the answer is a resounding, and disgusting, no.

Vegemite: Proving the mental illness of the entire country of Australia

The sandwich is a staple of lunches everywhere, from the PB&J in the Ghostbusters lunchbox of a child (or socially inept comic book store employee) to the corned beef sandwich at your local Irish pub. The varieties of sandwiches around the world are endless. Different meats, bread, cheeses, veggies and condiments (bacon is both a meat and a condiment) allow sandwich explorers to roam to whatever combination soothes the savage glutton. Clearly, some are much better than others. Which raises the question of how to rank them.

Made with love by a bar cook with a knife scar on his face

I am not here to tell you the perfect stack - merely to offer some help in judging. The sandwich which all others should be judged by, the tasty combo that has graced us for years (its probably in your child’s lunch box today) is the bologna and cheese on white bread. It’s simple, tasty and readily available. It's both a classic standby and the unemployed bastard's last defense against starvation (because Ramen noodles suck).

My favorite version however uses hand sliced bologna seasoned with a quality barbecue dry. You grill it, then before taking it off the grill add sliced Hoop cheddar. When it's all melted and delicious, serve it on toast with yellow mustard, barbecue and hot sauces (Texas Pete’s hot sauce works well).

Something like this, except not snagged off of Google Images in real life

Although this is one of my favorite sandwiches, it is not the world's best. Only Sandwich Nazis declare absolutes. There's always something better and more fattening around the corner. Another slightly more sophisticated interpretation of the above-described bologna sandwich follows, but use your imagination. Some say the sky is the limit. I disagree - the other piece of bread is the limit. Unless you're some open-faced eating crackpot.

Nuclear Steak Bomb

The elegant plating and dinner napkin placement suggests this may not be a Man B Que-taken picture. Hell, the existence of a napkin at all in it is pretty conclusive evidence.

1 sirloin steak
1 bell pepper sliced
1/4 onion sliced
1 can croissant dough
1 jar mushroom gravy
Worcestershire sauce
Olive oil
Salt and pepper

1. Season and grill your steak to your desired doneness. Simplicity works best with the seasoning - Worcestershire sauce, olive oil, salt and black pepper.

2. Heat a skillet over medium, then add gravy, bell peppers, and onions

3. When steak is finished resting, slice across the grain of the meat into bite-sized pieces.

4. Put steak chunks into skillet until gravy is thick.

5. Roll out croissant dough, making sure no seams break. Pour gravy steak mix into the center of the dough. Wrap dough around the mixture and bake following the instructions from the can.

Who said a croissant couldn't be manly?

- Dirt Man

Manly Mixtape Monday: Black Monday

2009-10-26T18:51:00.000-05:00

So I showed up to work today, already hating life, because who really wants to work on a Monday - or any day of the week for that matter? Anyway, some really clever guy at work looks at what I'm wearing and, because I was wearing a black shirt and slacks, says, "I wonder what your favorite color is, heh heh." I then put my fist through his throat and said, (please read this aloud in your best Schwarzenegger voice) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Can you repeat that? I guess you can't!" as the blood gushed all over my arm and onto the floor.

That hand is going straight for your throat!

Ok, so I didn't rip through his throat. But I did get to thinking and realized two things:
1. Most things I can't live without are black: my clothes, my heart
2. Some of the best music is put out by bands with "black" in their name

I won't share my clothes or heart, but I will share some of my favorite bands with "black" in their name.

Black Sabbath-"N.I.B."

That is either a fat lady or the lead singer of Fall Out Boy. Oh, wait, nope. It really IS Ozzy. Anyways, one of the best Black Sabbath songs.

The Black Halos-"Darkest Corners"

Theses guys are so cool that I can't even tell they're Canadian.

The Black Keys-"10 AM Automatic"

These two guys put out more awesome noise in one song than most countries do all year. (awkward silence) This song is awesome and the video has old people in it, how cool is that?

Big Black-"Kerosene"

LIVE AT CBGB!!! How awesome is that? Too bad the place is gone. Never fear, you can go to any Target or Hot Topic and your very own CBGB shirt to impress your friends!

Black Mountain-"Don't Run Our Hearts Around"

This is the second Canadian band on this Mix Tape. What gives? This is a band that everyone should know about. Seek them out, go, go now! (This video could pass for a commercial for the tasty and guaranteed to make you 10 times more awesome, American Spirit cigarettes.)

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club-"Whatever Happened to "

BRMC can be hit or miss overall, but this song is fucking awesome! I always have these weird dreams of being in NYC at some fashion fight between these guys and Interpol.

Note to all: I left out Black Flag because I could not find any videos of them without Henry Rollins and I cannot stand that guy. Now HE should be punched in the throat!

-The Godfather

Cooking with Booze: Steamed Hams

2009-10-23T09:12:00.001-05:00

What's a blog without pop culture referencing?

There are those in our fair city that live without the luxury of a deck or porch. While this is not a lifestyle choice of which I approve (I'm wagging my finger in a fatherly way right now), this should not deprive them of their right to ridiculously delicious burgers. So fear not, intrepid shut-ins, I've found a way for you to turn your stovetop into a steam-billowing short order diner line.

Oh, and if the whole "Steamed Hams" reference is throwing you, I suggest you click here and join the rest of us. Frankly, I'm surprised it took us this long to shoehorn in a Simpsons reference.

Cartoons aside, I'd also read a story from Gourmet editor Sara Moulton about her first job cooking, where they took a burger covered with mushrooms, onions, and cheese and steamed it with beer. I didn't have a griddle and a big-ass metal bowl, but I did have a skillet and more than enough beer to do the job.

The Setup

(Makes 2 burgers - double it for 4. Yay, math!)

- 1/2 lb ground chuck
- 1 tbsp dijon mustard
- 1/2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
- Coarse-grained salt
- Fresh ground black pepper
- 1/2 c diced white onion
- 4 sliced mushrooms (Whatever kind you'd like. I bought a pack of Essex Kent mushrooms. They were on sale.)
- 1 jalapeno, quartered and diced
- 8 olives, diced
- 1/4 c grated white cheddar
- 1/4 c crumbled feta cheese
- 1/3 c dark ale (I used Half Acre's Over Ale)
- 2 buns, toasted or steamed

Cooking

1. Combine the ground chuck, mustard, and Worcestershire. Season with salt and black pepper.

2. Divide beef and form into thin 1/4 lb patties.

3. Heat 2 tbsp vegetable oil in a large skillet to medium.

4. Add onions to pan, cook until soft, about 4-5 minutes.

5. Raise heat to medium hi and add mushrooms. Cook another 4-5 minutes, until the mushrooms are browned and glossy.

6. Season the onion/mushroom mix with salt and pepper, and remove to a bowl. Wipe out the skillet.

7. Add 1 tbsp of vegetable oil to the skillet, heat to medium-high.

I did just one burger at a time - you know, for illustrative purposes. And because I don't own a very big skillet.

8. When oil is heated, add burgers to the skillet and cook 3 minutes.

9. Flip and cook another 2 minutes.

10. Add the toppings to burgers - onion/mushroom mix, jalepenos, and cheddar on one, and onion/mushroom, olives, and feta on the other.

11. Add beer to the skillet. Cover and steam for 3 minutes, until cheese is melted.

The beer gave its' life for deliciousness.

12. Put onto buns and enjoy your mouth-watering steamed hams.

Serve with beer

Crimes Against Food: Enough With the Damn Sliders

2009-10-20T09:05:00.001-05:00

Feeds 1 ... unless you're hungry. Or a man.

You like hamburgers, right? You'd damn well better - about half of everything we post here is a hamburger recipe. Well, what if I offered you a burger, but instead of a big, juicy patty hanging over the edges of the bun, I told you that I'd instead pound the everliving shit out of the meat and slide it onto a dinner roll for that ever-so-delicious 80/20 bread/meat ratio? You might not think it's a great idea, but you know who does? Every damn restaurant. Everywhere. You can't throw a handful of cholesterol pills in this town without hitting a place trumpeting its' "NEW! Prime Beef Sliders!" And it's not just here in our fair city of Chicago - it's everywhere.

"Waiter? I hate to be a bother, but a bird has apparently begun building a nest on my entree."

Case in point: Washington, D.C.'s Matchbox. I go to D.C. for work a few times a year, and every time I do, people are telling me about the sliders (pictured above) - how awesome they are, how they could eat a million of them. So the last time I find myself in D.C.'s Chinatown neighborhood, I hit Matchbox and order them. They come with a pile of greasy fried onions on top, just dripping fryer oil all through the white bread bun. You also get a thin slice of cheese on the burger. And that's it. So they taste like slightly beefy grease. I love greasy food, but not when grease is the only flavor. That's why when we make bacon, we eat the bacon instead of drinking what collects in the pan. But I didn't share this with the waiter, because I hate seeing hipsters cry. Their mascara runs. Yes even the men. Especially the men.

It's not that sliders aren't a delicious food concept. But the execution almost always sucks. It's a pinch of ground beef smashed on a griddle and thrown onto a roll, maybe with a slice of unmelted, somewhat plasticized cheese. Fucking hooray - nothing better than paying $9 for the taste of unseasoned ground beef, bread, and Sysco cheese. Or alternately, "sliders" made of crock-pot BBQ pork, dry shredded chicken, or whatever else they've lot laying around. So maybe the super-expensive high end shit would be better?

"Only $60? Why, that's a bargain! ... Why the sudden urge to cut my own wrists?"

Fuck no, it's not better. Some of your fancier-pants restaurants have decided to put Kobe sliders (or comparable American-raised Wagyu) on the menu. This is actually a much, much worse idea. Kobe beef, depending on the quality and market, costs between $16-30 PER MOTHERFUCKING OUNCE! They're taking the most expensive beef in the world, pushing it through a meat grinder, overcooking it, and slapping it on a brioche bun. Meat like that is meant to be eaten as a rare, in steak form. You don't want a rare slider - ergo, you don't want Kobe sliders. Ever. It is a terrible, terrible idea.

There are easy ways to make excellent, inexpensive sliders that have actual flavor. We will share this knowledge with you later this week, as ranting has left little room for recipes. But until then, let's all rack our collective brains to try and find out what evil douchebag is responsible for this regrettable fad.

Well, that didn't take long

- J.B. Mays

Manly Mixtape Monday: Embarrassing AWESOME Karaoke Mix

2009-10-20T07:06:00.001-05:00

Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.

Umm ... what?

No matter what walk of life you come from, karaoke is the great uniter. Pour enough alcohol into anyone, and they take on the awesome karaoke ethos of the Japanese businessman. Or Huey Lewis in Duets. Or this guy on any given whiskey night. Part of the enjoyment is the ability to not only enjoy cheesy '80s hits, but scream those very hits at the top of your lungs. And if you don't agree with me, you're some sort of robot. Or Nazi. Or Nazi-bot. And I'm coming for you soon, Nazi-bot. Let's check out 6 of the songs I personally enjoy rocking. I'll leave out Rick Astley, because honestly, I believe the Internet has had enough of that business.

Huey Lewis and the News - "The Power of Love"

No matter where you're enjoying a night of drunken karaoke, every single person present will have seen Back to the Future. Hence they will not only know, but madly adore this song. You knock it out of the park, and you're the Hero of the Drunks. You'll probably never win the Pulitzer, so I'd say that's an achievement to shoot for.

Kenny Rogers - "The Gambler"

Before he started getting so much plastic surgery that he looks like a poorly-aging woman, Kenny Rogers pumped out some true classics. Its' legacy has lasted longer than the man's chicken franchise. "The Gambler" is literally better than fried chicken.

Big Country - "In a Big Country"

Perfect for a karaoke evening. Where else, in your life, will you ever be able to utter the phrase "I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but I can look and breathe and see the sun in winter-time" without derision, much less belt that shit to a roomful of people full of '80s nostalgia.

The Spinners - "Rubberband Man"

As a red-bearded Irish guy, I'm clearly the best choice to sing a Motown classic. Which is good, because this song rocks. Now if I could only get the Mai Tai stains out of my powder-blue tuxedo.

Toto - "Africa"

The mere opening bars of this will cause all assembled to snap to attention. With that refrain, it's either going to be an entertaining success or a way more entertaining failure. To be attempted only by gentlemen who (a) have a bar bill surpassing the price of a 4-star dinner and (b) trained for it over a lifetime of singing Rush songs in the shower. On a side note: Ugliest band ever to hit the Top 40.

Go West - "King of Wishful Thinking"

Why Go West? Why not Go West? It's possibly the '80-est song ever. Ever.

- J.B. Mays

J.B. Mays' K.C. Brisket

2009-10-19T13:30:00.001-05:00

Two tickets to paradise

So far as most people see it, a proponent of grilling has to choose one of two camps - charcoal or gas. The gas users say that charcoal is inconvenient and can provide inconsistent heat. The charcoal users say that gas doesn't get quite as hot and doesn't impart that distinctive charcoal aroma. Meanwhile, the guys who cook over hardwood just laugh, take a slug of whiskey from the bottle, and call both of them pussies. And not wanting to be called such, I've always wanted to try my hand at smoking. Which brings us to today's recipe, a tangy, smoky brisket inspired largely by Mike Mills' excellent Peace, Love and BBQ.

At it's heart, the practice of grilling is about taking something ordinary and making it excellent through skill, practice, and sheer force of will. Nowhere is that more evident than with brisket. You take a tough, fat-covered cut that most meat departments don't even stock, and you turn it badass - much like Mr. Miyagi did to Daniel Russo. Except, you know, Miyagi didn't end up eating him. But if it helps you to put on some badass '80s music in hope of a montage, you go right ahead, sport.

Ingredients

1 beef brisket ~7 lbs.
1 c apple juice

Mustard Slather
1/4 c yellow mustard
1/4 c Dijon mustard
1/4 c apple cider vinegar
1/4 c beer

Rub
1 c sugar
1/2 c brown sugar, dried
1/3 c seasoned salt
1/3 c celery salt
1/3 c paprika
3 tbsp ancho chile powder
2 tbsp fresh ground black pepper
1 tbsp lemon pepper
2 tsp ground sage
2 tsp mustard powder
1/2 tsp thyme

The Setup

Sure, it says "Smoker," but it's the blackening that really convinces me

- First thing's first - if you want to smoke, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you're going to need an entire day. And probably half of the previous evening. If this is unacceptable, then go get yourself a chicken caesar wrap from Applebees, Sally Mae.

- For this job, you're going to need a smoker. I know that a lot of BBQ cookbooks try to throw grill-owners a bone and say that you can use indirect fire and wood chips, but that's not going to work. You most likely won't have a side door to drop in fresh coals on your kettle grill, and you don't want to be lifting the lid every time you need to add heat. Just get a smoker. You can snag one for about $65.

When starting coals, make sure you've got a friend nearby in Chuck Taylors. You know, for atmosphere.

- You're also going to need a metal bucket, or a chimney starter with a stone or metal sheet under it to keep prepared coals ready. When you're cooking low and slow, you can't be throwing on unlit coals and hope they'll catch at 230 degrees.

- Get a pair of comfortable tongs. You're going to be transferring a lot of lit coals. A lot. You don't want to end up with some sort of clawed hand, like you're a 13 year old boy 48 hours after the new Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail.

- Also good? Suede grilling gloves. As you may imagine, a bucket of coals is hot as fuck.

Gentlemen make sure to not giggle when saying "probe" ... more than three times.

- Keep a probe thermometer on hand to keep an eye on the smoker temperature and check the brisket when it's nearly done. Also keep a spray bottle to spritz the brisket when you have to turn it.

- The type of hardwood you use (apple, mesquite, hickory, etc.) depends on your preference, but make sure it's small enough to fit in your smoker. Unless you've got a wood shop, or are some kind of unholy urban lumberjack, you're not going to be able to split it at home.

The Night Before

1. Combine dry rub ingredients in a large bowl. If the brown sugar isn't dry, spread it out on a plate, microwave 15 seconds, break up the clumps, and repeat until dry. Sift to take out any remaining chunks.

2. Reserve ~1/2 c of the rub, storing the rest in a tightly-sealed jar for future use.

3. Whisk together mustard, vinegar, and beer until smooth. Set aside.

4. Place the brisket, fat side up, onto your cutting board. Trim the layer of fat until it's 1/4" thick.

5. Cover brisket with mustard slather. Just use your hands. Or a pastry brush if you're French.

6. Season the brisket well on all sides with the reserved rub. Don't be stingy, or the horrified looks of your guests will forever haunt your soul.

7. Place into a plastic bag or container, and let marinate overnight, if possible.

Brisket Day

1. Get up early to start the fire. Earlier than you think you need. Resent those still warm in their beds. Consider how early is too early to begin drinking.

2. Use a chimney starter to get a batch of hardwood coals started. Place them in the smoker, along with some smaller pieces of the wood. Continue to burn coals and wood until you have a consistent heat of 230-250 degrees.

Why yes, starting a fire on a third floor wood deck is a very good idea, smartass

3. As the fire builds, take the brisket out of the refrigerator to let it come closer to room temperature.

4. Light another batch of coals in the chimney starter, and either keep them in the starter, or place them into a metal bucket. This is what you're going to use to regulate the heat.

5. Place the brisket on the grill, making sure that it's fat side up. That quarter-inch of fat is going to melt through the meat in a way that's going to make you love life.

6. Keep the temperature between 230-250 for 1 1/2 - 2 hours for each pound.

7. Give the brisket a 90 degree turn at each halfway point in the cooking process. So if you're cooking for 12 hours, turn with 6 hours left, then 3 hours left, then an hour and a half left, etc.

I wish there were a manlier word to use than "spritz." I'd consider the term "Man Spray," but that sounds even worse.

8. When you turn the brisket, spritz the top of the meat with the bottled apple juice.

9. When you think that your delicious slab of meat is done, check for an internal temperature of 185 degrees. If it's finished, wrap it in aluminum foil and let it rest for 20-30 minutes.

A meal fit for a king. Also fit for Ted Nugent.

10. Slice thin and eat it. You eat the hell out of it.

- J.B. Mays

U2 and Rolling Stone: Lame Meets Bland

2009-10-16T09:13:00.001-05:00

Which has suffered a more precipitous decline - Irish band U2 or the venerable Rolling Stone? We will attempt to find out, inspired by this laughably bad cover:

"Thank you for coming out to space! We'll get back to the music in a minute, but I'd like to take a second to talk to you about the plight of the Vornyxxians from Rigel 4. They're enslaved by debt to the Intergalactic Monetary Fund. They can't even make payments on the space interest."

U2

Once a fairly cutting-edge band with catchy singles and deep lyrics, they've undergone a mystifying transformation into the most punchable band on the planet. Witness the facts:

- All those hit singles since 2000? Same song. You know it.

- As their song lyrics got much shallower ("Un, dos, tres, catorce!"), they countered by becoming insufferable pricks wherever possible about third world debt.

-They call for blanket forgiveness of African debts. I criticize them for not emphasizing infrastructure in developing nations.

- What's that, you say? They're just a rock band, they don't know about building roads, hospitals, and irrigation systems? THEN WHY DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIRD WORLD DEBT? I don't ask Derrek Lee for his views on pre-natal care for mothers in poverty, and I don't ask for global economic treatises from some sunglasses-wearing pop music douche.

- Their concerts feature 4 minutes of heavy-handed preaching for every 4 minutes of ... ahem ... "rock."

- Just about the one Irish thing this writer finds unlikable.

Laura Dern? Lenny Kravitz? Blues Traveler? Was this some kind of early prototype for Stuff White People Like?

Rolling Stone Magazine

Once a leading voice in the vanguard of rock music, last seen in a Muncie, Indiana, Dominick's checkout lane - right next to Cosmo's "35 Ways to Please Your Man" issue.

- Gives most everything a 3 or 4 star review.

- A notable exception to the last statement is this review of Mick Jagger's Goddess In the Doorway, which received the exceedingly rare 5-star review. How can I adequately stress how awful this album was? Oh, I know!

- You can only get a 5-star review if you're an established legend. Even if you churn out sewage like "Goddess in the Doorway." An rising star on the way to legendhood? Then you can go fuck yourself. Jay-Z's "The Blueprint"? 3.5 stars. Nirvana's "Nevermind"? 3 stars. Bob Marley's "Exodus"? Not even reviewed.

- Radiohead hasn't fared much better, averaging 3.5 stars for their entire catalog. Oh, but wait, Rolling Stone goes back every so often and re-issues reviews. And once Radiohead became one of the most popular and acclaimed bands on the planet, RS changed most of those to 5-star reviews. That's pretty much admitting that you don't know shit.

- They once ran this article, in which they accused then-president George Bush (not the Simpsons one) of being influenced by the authors of those weirdo Left Behind books and their apocalyptic vision of Christianity. They then gloss over the fact that neither of the authors had ever met Bush, and when directly questioned, Bush said that he hadn't read any of them, but had heard the books mentioned once or twice. Journalism! Really, was it that hard to find a legitimate criticism of George Bush in 2004?

- At one time featured the manic, drug-fueled writing of Hunter S. Thompson, a legend in outsider writing who remains relevant today. Now they have Chuck Klosterman, who not only writes about The Sims, but also looks like a big ol' lesbian.

"... and this is my life partner, Willow."

So who wins this matchup of the pompous and the sad? Certainly not us. I say let U2 and Rolling Stone have each other. They both deserve a little misery.

Crimes Against Food: Bag o' Meat

2009-10-15T08:51:00.001-05:00

Crimes Against Food features the greatest offenses committed against the greater eating public and the hallowed institution of food itself.

Earlier this week, I stopped into Costco for some productive meat shopping. Honestly, you wouldn't picture a concrete box the size of a Boeing hangar as the ideal place to find quality meatstuffs, but quality meat is to be had here. Lots of it. For cheap. Hilariously, you can also buy a coffin in which to bury your meat-engorged ass when you finally kick off the mortal plane, waving two middle fingers and a half-drunk Schlitz to the dreadlocked trust-fund vegans of the world.

Anyway, the brisket was beautiful, the rib racks massive, and the strip steaks perfectly marbled. This, I thought, must be the meat eater's paradise. Until I stumbled upon this abomination:

Pre-cooked? Pre-cut? Pre-seasoned? (And what is this mysterious "a seasoning," anyway?) Did they not have a pre-chewed option, as well? Or maybe you can just get a representative of the company to vomit their Arby's lunch back into your mouth for a cool $12. On top of all that, it spells out for you the fact that they had to add caramel coloring to make it look like something normal people would eat. This, my friends, is no way to eat. This is not Man B Que. In fact, let's run down the key facts.

- Pre-cooked meat
- Artificially colored
- Ready out of the bag
- Pre-seasoned
- Even the professional photo of it looks gross

A ha! It's dog food for humans! Have we fallen so far in our ability to make an enjoy a delicious meal for ourselves that we would willingly and wantonly cram bagged scrap meat down our gaping maws? Can we not wait the ten minutes it takes to season, sear, cook, and cut a piece of steak?

"Remember kids, when you eat bagged meat, you're eating communism! And possibly Type 2 Diabetes."

I say no to bagged meat, dammit! Let the Rascal scooter fatties of the world have their Bag o' Meat, and may heaven have mercy on their colons. I will continue to walk right past this cooler of depravity to both the butcher and self-respect. That's the Man B Que way.

- J.B. Mays

The Tailgate: Bacon-Cheddar Tailgate Burgers

2009-10-14T14:00:00.001-05:00

Ed. Note: This post serves as the introduction to Man-B-Que's newest food writer, Stuart. Yet, as we all know, there is no Man-B-Que without kickass nicknames. Seeing as how Stuart made his bones as a grounds intern for the 2007 Boston Red Sox and now works as a head groundskeeper in the minor leagues, I dub him Dirt Man. Man makes his living in the dirt, and I'm feeling literal today. Feel free to call him Old Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGurt, Big Baby Jesus and all other such nicknames. So shall it be written. Man-B-Que!

What is a tailgate? Some would say that a tailgate is the part of a truck that keeps things from falling out the back.

...

[cough]

...

Others, like myself, cannot deny this definition, but might also say that a tailgate is any party outside that precedes a larger event. Whether it is a group of friends reminiscing together in a parking lot before a class reunion or a lavish tent complete with a chandelier, fine wine, and homemade croissants(as witnessed in “The Grove” of The University of Mississippi).

Yes, seriously

I submit that tailgating has become the new American pastime. The tailgate can be humble and simple, but it can also be extravagant and highbrow. In travels around the NCAA, MLB, and NFL, I've noticed the best tailgates all have one thing in common - the best food. Tailgate food is most often charred to perfection over open flame. People seem to be cooking up anything of the right size to be placed on the grill. Some of the grilled delicacies that I have seen at tailgates include everything from generic burgers and hotdogs, to full-on slow cooked Bar-B-Que, to any assortment of vegetables, jalapeños stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon, shrimp in a sweet spicy mustard base sauce, marinated gator tail, and fresh venison roast.

Anything you can think to grill and serve as tailgate fair probably already has been or soon will be. My advice is to join in and grill with some friends before any event - not just concerts and sporting events, but also academic competitions, municipal board re-zoning hearings, and the funerals of one's enemies. Here is my favorite burger recipe to get you started:

Dirt Man's Tailgate Burgers

4 lb. ground chuck

4 andouille sausages, diced

1 orange bell pepper, diced

1 Vidalia onion, diced

Worcestershire sauce

Grilling seasoning (recommended: Montreal's Grilling Seasoning)

1/2 c brown sugar

1 bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce

8 good hamburger buns (none of this $0.99 store brand shit - you'll end up with two handfuls of mushy bread and condiments)

Optional

About 4 c sliced mushrooms, sauteed ahead of time

16 slices smoked bacon, cooked ahead of time

8 thick slices smoked cheddar

Process

1. Preheat the grill to medium-high.

2. Combine diced sausage, pepper, and onion. Sweat mixture in large skillet add a quarter cup of Worcestershire sauce 8 tablespoons of grilling seasoning, and brown sugar cook until thick and combined. Let the mixture cool and combine with ground chuck. Shape into patties.

3. Place burgers on the grill. Brush the burgers with your favorite barbecue sauce as they cook.

4. Once they are almost cooked to your desired degree of doneness, divide the following toppings over the burgers: the sauteed mushrooms, 2 slices of bacon, and 1 slice of cheese, in that order. Cook just until cheese is melted and toppings are heated through.

5. Now shove into face. Repeat.

Grilling Ms. Piggy!

2009-10-14T10:05:00.001-05:00

Tom "Death Chef" Rubeo finally makes it out to the Man B Que and shares one of his delicious pork recipes. This is a perfect example of a great Man B Que recipe; It's pretty simple but the taste will knock your socks off!

Go ahead and make it. Impress your friends. (Even though they don't really like you...JK)

Brined Pork Chops:

2 cups Apple Juice or Cider
2 cups Water
1/4 cup salt
2 tablespoons Sugar

2 3/4" or 1" thick Pork Chops (Loin or Rib)

Bring the water to a boil and remove from heat, dissolve the salt and sugar in the water. Cool the water down and then add the apple juice, and the pork chops. Refrigerate for 12-24 hours.
Grill over high heat about 5 min per side to desired temperature, make sure to watch the chops closely, meat that has been brined tends to cook quickly.

Chipotle Beer Can Chicken

2009-10-14T10:04:00.002-05:00

AJ, aka "Meat Coffin," shares his kick-ass, Chipotle Beer Can Chicken. You've never had chicken on the grill that tasted this good. If you say you have, we will call you a liar and break your toes, all of them.

Recipe:
1. Blend:
7oz can of chipotle peppers in adobo
juice of 4 limes
8-10 cloves of garlic
salt and pepper to taste
3-4 fresh chopped jalepeno peppers
1tbsp cumin
1 cup chopped cilantro
half a cup of chopped red onion

2. take one whole chicken (around 5 lbs), rinse and pat dry. Rub the whole chicken with some olive oil, just enough to coat it. Separate the skin from the meat by running your fingers in between the skin and meat, being careful not to tear the skin up (this helps the skin crisp up better when cooking).

3. Spread the blended marinade all over the outside of the chicken, between the skin and meat, and in the cavity. Place in a Ziploc bag and marinade in fridge overnight.

4. Once coals are red hot in a chimney, spread around the outside of a Weber, leaving no coals directly in the center, under where the chicken will be placed.

5. Take chicken out and pat dry the skin.

6. Place a half empty beer can (whatever kind is good to chug half of, go cheap, it makes no difference in flavor, especially not with this marinade) in the cavity of the chicken and prop in the center of the grill like a tri-pod consisting of both legs and the can.

7. Cover grill, leaving all vents open.

8. Check every 30 min to make sure bird is cooking evenly. Meat will get done early, but fat needs to melt out of skin and will keep meat moist by basting it as it melts out. Bird will be ready to go in about 2 hours, the skin should be crispy to the point that it seems almost hard.

9. Pull the bird off and enjoy; the bones should easily pull out.

Next on the Plate: Port O'Brien & Sea Wolf

2009-10-14T10:04:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the late notice on this one, so I'll make it quick. As soon as you're done here, just head out to Schuba's. The dual bill of Sea Wolf and Port O'Brien is well worth the $14. Hell, even just one them would be worth it, but when combined, it's set to be a pretty awesome and cheap night.

Any of Port O'Brien's songs would have fit perfectly into Twist-off's Sailor Mixtape. In fact, singer Van spends ever summer fishing on his dad's salmon boat off the coast of Alaska. During those endless, landless days, he fishes, and during the limited down time, he writes some kickass music. The utter desolation provides ample motivation and inspiration for their shanty songs.

Secondly, Sea Wolf, who could have been included on the Mixtape on name alone, play a downbeat rock. They are probably most known for their song "You are a Wolf," which was played extensively during last year's Olympic commercials.

So finish that burger, grab and umbrella, and prep for a night on the musical seas.

- Mr. Nobody

Manly Mixtape Monday: Get Shipwreck'd With Sailor Rock

2009-10-14T10:03:00.002-05:00

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

In our last year of grad school, J.B. Mays and myself created a rock radio show that coalesced all things awesome – rock n’ roll, Manbque.com, and the ridicule of annoying trends. In honor of those efforts, I give you my Mixtape Monday and first time ode to what I am coining as Sailor Rock It comes in all forms rock’d up, punk’d out, and hell, even Irish-eyed and drunk has a place in Sailor Rock. But there’s one thing that links them all together – swagger. It’s a unique swagger that conjures up pirates and insatiable living while commandeering drunken guitars, whiskey-soaked vocals and marching drum beats. Cheers, matey.

.

Check out Bullets & Octane “Pirates. This band walks the plank with talent and swigs heavy riffs for breakfast.

You can’t get any more Sailorish than the Gaslight Anthem’s “I Coulda Been A Contender”. These Jersey boys definitely take to the high seas with lyrical prowess and all their songs sound like they were left at sea for years.

Probably the most entertaining and enlightening on the list is Chuck Ragan’s “The Boat”. We feel for all those lost to the sea on this one.

It’s a mutiny with The Riverboat Gamblers “Rattle Me Bones”. Best live act at SXSW every year, this band of merry pirates shakes with fierceness and energy.

Like a ship in a bottle, The Bravery’s “The Ocean” sways. Like it or love it, it feels like the ocean.

We end on pure awesomeness with Murder City Devils’ “Press Gang”. Raise a fist and a fifth of Sailor Jerry rum to Manly Mixtape Mondays every Monday at Manbque.com. Arr.

- Twist-Off Jones

Freaky-Ass Friday: Tool

2009-10-14T10:03:00.001-05:00

You had to have known this designation was coming for Tool. As teen, and later as an adult, I came to really appreciate the intricate musicianship and dark songwriting. But really, as a pre-teen who did a lot of late-night MTV watching, there was only one thought when this particular video came on - AHHHH! BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELLLLLLLLL!

But years later, I've come to appreciate "Sober" in all it's freaky-ass claymation glory. I also use it to scare my younger cousins, because trauma is meant to be passed on. It's the right thing to do.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The '80s, Ska, and Cursing

2009-10-14T10:02:00.004-05:00

I haven't even begun writing and this entry has already begun to make me feel old. Thoughts running through my head include "hey, remember ska's brief moment of semi-popularity?" and "hey, remember that movie BASEketball?" I might as well add "hey, remember Pogs?" while I'm at it.

But weird quarter-life crises aside, I'd like to call you all back to a simpler time. A young J.B. Mays, crumpled dollar bills in hand, was in the middle of a very tough decision - whether or not to buy his first Parental Advisory stickered CD. Finally, hands shaking, I went up to the cash register and meekly said "I'll take this." I recall being surprised that I didn't get in trouble, because young J.B. Mays was apparently something of a nancy boy. But the disc was purchased, and there began a love affair with cursing and music intertwined. That record? Reel Big Fish's "Turn the Radio Off."

This particular cover song came out after that album unexpectedly hit platinum during the aforementioned brief ska fad of the '90s. No matter how my musical tastes have evolved, I'll always have a soft spot for the band. Which, when you think about it, is how almost everyone feels about the music of the '80s. And so we combine them, and hope that it doesn't have the same world-ending effect of crossing the streams.

- J.B. Mays

Shut Up and Listen: The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

2009-10-14T10:02:00.003-05:00

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! (via Pitchfork)

- Mr. Nobody

El Awesomeness: The Rise & Ascent of the Greatest Band You’ve Yet to Hear

2009-10-14T10:02:00.001-05:00

So you’ve been waiting (as have I) for a band, a rock band, that rocks faces off at a consistent enough rate you can follow their ascent to greatness over the course of several records. For me, that time is now and it begins with hardcore punk outfit The Bronx.

Maybe, like me, you’ll get hooked by their ode to Los Angeles and early single “They Will Kill Us All (Without Mercy).”

Or maybe you’d like your punk polished like their latest - and arguably greatest - “Past Lives.”

Still not convinced? Well, if Matt Caughthran’s vocals don’t grab you by throat and guitarist Joby J. Ford’s riffs can’t get you feeling it, then let the boys throw something else at you. Welcome to "Mariachi El Bronx." Recorded with their third album, "The Bronx III," "Mariachi El Bronx" is real, raw and one of the most epic and original records of our time.

Both "Past Lives" and "Mariachi," however, go well with hot sauce.

- Twist-off Jones

Next on the Plate: Built to Spill

2009-10-14T10:01:00.003-05:00

Next on the Plate is the Man-B-Que approved local concert of the week. Go see it.

At least this week its easy.

Seriously, just go see Built to Spill.

For those of you not in the know, let me help you get you there. Since the mid 90's BtS has ben one of the hardest-working bands in rock music. Coming out of the Pacific Northwest (Boise, Idaho, specifically) during the post grunge binge, they combined amazing musicianship with a DIY garage sound. Rough around the edges, their influences span both decades and genres. Frontman Doug Martsch's scratchy vocals echo Neil Young, while the jaunty but melodic guitar riffs recall Pavement. These superior influences, as well as others (Dinosaur Jr.), have joined together to make BtS one of the most musically diverse rock bands in recent memory. Naturally, Spill's awesomeness hasn't been lost on a slew of modern bands who can undoubtedly cite them as a major influence. Modest Mouse and Death Cab for Cutie form only the tip of the iceberg.

Since first seeing Built To Spill 8 years ago at the Metro, I've had several more opportunities; none of which failed to impress. While the albums each have their own merit, live is where BtS thrives. Martsch's vocals soar and crack, his lyrics cut. Add in the occasional freak-out featuring massive feedback and distortion, its no wonder these guys have been playing music for nearly 2 decades. And yet, they're still getting better. No doubt they'll play from their new album, "There is No Enemy," out October 6th. But, peppered in will hopefully be personal BtS classics, Big Dipper, Stop The Show, and Fly Around My Pretty Little Miss.

Built To Spill plays this Saturday at the Vic Theater at 7:30. The aforementioned Dinosaur Jr also plays. Amazingly, tickets are still somehow available. So you should get that on that.

A close second - Grizzly Bear @ The Metro Sunday (9/27) and Monday (9/28)

- Mr. Nobody

Grease's Swimming Wit Da Fishes

2009-10-14T10:01:00.001-05:00

The Italian Stallion, Joey Grease, shows us how to make his favorite summer seafood recipe.

"Swimming wit da Fishes"

3/4 cup fresh orange juice
2 tablespoons lemon juice
4 tablespoons lime juice
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 fresh coconut

Mix orange juice, lemon juice, lime juice, and extra virgin olive oil together. Crack open the fresh coconut. You can use the coconut juice inside if you would like, but it's not mandatory. Shave the inside of the coconut into the marinade. Recommended for chicken or fish. Add salt/pepper to taste.

Manly Mixtape Monday: Animated Rock

2009-10-14T10:00:00.003-05:00

Manly Mixtape Monday is a six-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face weekly.

Unless you were raised in one of those strange no-television houses (usually also the no-Halloween houses) in the neighborhood, there's a good chance you were raised on cartoons. Ninja Turtles, Looney Toons, Ultraforce, whatever. Point is, there were as much surrogate parent as entertainment. Admit it or not, we never really let go of them - witness the insane popularity of "ironic" '80s shirts. So instead of watching those same cartoons all the time - an activity that ranks up there in creepiness with owning a clown suit - I find it's better to combine them with excellent music.

And so, after that long-winded intro, we have our theme: cartoon music videos. Sit back and enjoy, preferably with some Lucky Charms.

The White Stripes - "Fell In Love With a Girl"

I cannot imagine the amount of work that went into this video. It only runs 1:53, yet I'm pretty sure there's a Lego enthusiast with crippling carpal tunnel who can attest to exactly how long the shooting took.

Madvillain - "All Caps"

I'm not a huge hip hop fan, but I am an enormous fan of MF Doom. He wears a metal Dr. Doom mask, raps in thick, consonant-heavy verses, and projects the supervillain vibe pretty well. I'd say he's my favorite rapper/supervillain. This video finds him acting awesome in the pages of a comic book. This is something I can certainly get behind.

Junior Senior - "Move Your Feet"

Atari and a hyperactive song built over a Michael Jackson-sounding chorus? The 8-year old in me is rejoicing. The 8 year old in Clay Aiken's basement remains terrified.

J Dilla - "Nothing Like This"

Atmospheric, semi-hip hop music like the kind J Dilla makes leaves me at a loss for words. Which is just fucking fantastic in a written medium like this one. I find it hard to explain what's so appealing about the song, but perhaps the video can put it across more tangibly.

Ok, so I just re-watched it, and now I can figure out the appeal. GIANT KILLER ICE CREAM CONE!

Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing"

A lot of great videos have come and gone since its day, but "Money For Nothing" is still one of the top 5 most recognizable videos ever made. And while Dire Straits may be the stuff of '80s Trivial Pursuit questions, frontman Mark Knopfler has reinvented his career as sort of a gruff singer/songwriter type. And he plays a hell of a guitar. This video was, I'm guessing, state of the art at the time. I'm fairly certain that these days, you can buy fart machines with more computing power.

Gorillaz - "Clint Eastwood"

I'll have to admit, I was not a fan of this song, or this band, the first time I heard it. Or the fifth. Or the tenth. In fact, the punishing grind of radio rotation almost ruined it for me, until I happened to come across the weirdly captivating video at 2 in the morning on MTV2, or MTV3, or MTV7, or whoever was still playing videos at that point. After watching kung-fu zombie gorillas, I began to enjoy it. I mean, I'm not made of stone.

- J.B. Mays

Freaky-Ass Friday: A Duo of Rammstein

2009-10-14T10:00:00.001-05:00

This week's selection for this Friday feature that I can't seem to come up for a name with joins two thing people are afraid of - heavy metal and Ze Germans.

I first heard of German metal band Rammstein in my younger days, when MTV not only played music videos, but played music videos by German metal bands whose on-stage antics had led to indecency charges.

Read that link. The whole thing. I'll wait.

Okay, now you have an idea how Rammstein altered my perception not just of metal, but of an entire country. Even after years of learning to enjoy jazz, latin music, hip hop, etc., I still think Rammstein's bombastic metal kicks ass. Here, for your enjoyment, is "Du Hast," the video that introduced me to the band:

Clearly an homage to Reservoir Dogs going on there. But that's not really the freaky-ass part. Oh, it's freaky, don't get me wrong. But you know what's just a little bit more batshit? Taking everything you've just learned above and placing it in the Sprongebob motif:

I have no idea who is simultaneously a fan of both Spongebob and German metal to the point where he/she tries to smash the two together in the manner of making your Ghostbusters action figures fight the GI Joes. I just know that I'm not sure I want to meet this individual.

- J.B. Mays

Non-Crappy Covers: The Manliest Sting Song You'll Hear All Day

2009-10-14T09:59:00.003-05:00

This is a cover of "Message in a Bottle" by the Police. Now, we can argue the merits of the Police against the face that Sting turned into a huuuuuge douche. But let's save that for another time. For now, let's see what happens when you take a former English schoolteacher's songwriting effort and put it into the hands of a band who has a song featuring the line "Let freedom ring with a shotgun blast." For your enjoyment, viking-looking metal men covering a Sting song:

I know it's a user-made YouTube video, and that those are the artistic equivalent of Japanese tentacle rape comics, but there aren't many hardcore heavy metal videos around these days. They started to disappear around the time that the MTV network spontaneously grew ovaries. But you don't need a professionally made video to rock. All you need is a beer and a fist to pump in the air. And possibly a sweet White Zombie t-shirt. But that is all.

Shut Up and Listen: Mos Def, "Sex, Love & Money"

2009-10-14T09:59:00.001-05:00

Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song without comment. Wait, does this count? Okay, then. Shut Up and Listen is a weekly feature that presents a song with one comment. This one.

- Mr. Nobody

Kanye West: New Vehicle For Alien Communiques

2009-10-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

Sure, our Facebook walls were inundated with Kanye reproach, and surely our phones' buzzed with Twitter updates condemning someone we'll never meet. But amid all the hubbub of Kanye's most recent cultural offense lies something much deeper...

The most convincing proof of intelligent life outside this planet: the crop circles miraculously and meticulously placed atop of Mr. West's head.

Kanye West: "Make me look like this, SuperCuts!"

Who put them there? How did they get there? What do they mean? Why was he chosen?

Only in time can we hopefully understand these and many more questions posed by this phenomenon.

In the meantime, keep buying his albums, dancing at the club, and feigning indignation. I know I'll be right there with you.

- Mr. Nobody

Attorney's Delight

2009-10-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

This recipe was originally passed down to me by my friend Kenneth, who happens to be a lawyer. Hence, "The Attorney's Delight"

INGREDIENTS
Jumbo, uncooked, peeled and deveined shrimp (As many as you wanna scarf down)
Thick sliced bacon (Half a slice of bacon per shrimp)
Olive oil or melted butter (Man B Que men prefer butter because....we do!)
Maple syrup

DIRECTIONS
1. Lightly brush olive oil or butter onto both sides of the shrimp
2. Wrap the shrimp in half a slice of bacon and place on a pre-soaked skewer. (Soak skewers in water for about half hour before using so they don't catch fire while on the grill)
3. Place shrimp on the outside of the the grill (charcoal grills work best, if using gas place them on the top rack, if you don't have a rack, just make sure they aren't directly over the flame.)
4. Lightly oil grill grate. Cook shrimp on preheated grill (high heat, low flame) for 2 to 3 minutes per side, or until opaque.
5. Brush on a light layer of maple syrup to both sides and place on the grill for an extra 30 seconds

Man B Que: Swayze Crayze

2009-10-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

This evening, the Man B Crew learned that esteemed actor Patrick Swayze died. While we've never seen Dirty Dancing, we have seen Road House and Black Dog and feel that those movies are manlier than any 18 movies put together (Stallone, Segal, and Norris films excluded).

I believe YouTube commenter SAGEBOT500 says it best: "He's throwing guys out of the Double Deuce in Heaven now."

- J.B. Mays

Nightmare Grills Bambi

2009-10-14T09:45:00.002-05:00

OK, here is Andy "Nightmare from the North" Bruss's famous Grilled Bambi recipe:

Generously season venison tederloins rubbed in olive oil with blend of salt, garlic powder and fresh ground pepper. The ratios of seasoning and what seasoning you choose don't matter much at all...grilling these backstraps is the most important part.

The end goal is a nice browned crush with a cool red center. Place the backstraps on a very hot grill. You should hear them sizzle. In 2-3 minutes (or as soon as a brown crush has formed) flip the back straps. Cook another 2-3 minutes or until the center reads 110F (cool red center).

Manly Mixtape Monday: The Devil Made Me Do It

2009-10-14T09:45:00.001-05:00

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday. This week's sees the debut of Mr. Nobody.

Blitzen Trapper - Black River Killer

Ignore the friendly strum pattern and upbeat chord progressions and you'll discover a brutal murderer. The trail of dead following the singer numbers somewhere around 5 or 6 (I lose track); in other words, if you turn Black River Killer into a drinking game, you'd only need 2 listens to get good and drunk. That’s more kills per minute than Pulp Fiction had swears per minute. Fuck. That's a lot of killing, and a lot of shots. The cameo by Fred Willard as a talk show host is pretty key as well. Check out his Blago-inspired hair.

Dead Heart Bloom – Sodom

I'm not sure who made this video (or why), but that’s not the important part. With a wandering bass line, accented drum beat, and a soaring string arrangement, it’s obvious that this song has been expertly crafted. But the lyrics – harkening back to Sodom, complete with imagery of whores, writhing, and turning into a pillar of salt – add another layer of complexity. Pepper in some reversed vocals and you've got a song that's just asking for a Parental Advisory sticker.

Ben Folds Five - Satan is My Master

Most people are already familiar with “Brick,” the band’s awful abortion tale, but that’s not what we’re going with. “Satan is My Master” is a little-known live track released on their b-sides album "Naked Baby Photos." Short, but hardly sweet, it lets everyone know where this next-gen Elton John places his allegiances. Though, to be fair, if I got free Metallica records out of the deal, I doubt I'd complain much. It just better not be anything post-Load. Stupid Lars. Actually, never-mind – it’s looking like a pretty raw deal. At least “Satan is My Master” is a cool song.

Pine Box Boys - I Kept Her Heart

We've all done it, right? Married a 15 year old girl whom you traded for a horse? Then, after years of loveless marriage, took her into the woods out back and brutally murdered her? Finally, you dragged her lifeless body into the local flour mill and ground her bones into a fine powder, right? But, as a memento, you kept her heart. Right? We've all been there.

…

No?

Cold War Kids - We Used to Vacation

Yum, gin. Normally, a dry martini and a couple of blue cheese olives would be a great way to end the day. Add in a car and a helpless family along for the ride and suddenly you've got a recipe for disaster. Yet despite his promises to his wife and children, the lead singer just can't seem to shake the addiction. That lovely self justification of "Still things could be much worse/natural disasters on the evening news" provides just enough excuse for another drink and another broken promise.

Fiona Apple - Criminal

Click here to see the video. Ms. Apple apparently dislikes embeddable videos.

Fortunately for me, the inimitable J.B. Mays already crossed the gender line when he introduced Brody Dalle of The Distillers the other week. Fortunately for everyone else, that means we can use Fiona Apple's awesomely dirty “Criminal” in this week's Mixtape. After this video, I know I certainly wouldn't mind being Ms. Apple's rueful transgression. Although the fact that she might write a song comparing my manhood to a shriveled up roll of dimes makes me have second thoughts.

- Mr. Nobody

The Kanye West Incident. Or: How the Internet Collectively Resembles a Developmentally Disabled Tween

2009-10-14T09:44:00.000-05:00

... and a million simultaneous "oh no, he didn't"s were heard throughout the nation.

Last evening, the Internet suddenly exploded. Apparently, Kanye West had behaved in a manner very much like Kanye West – jumping up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. He thought Beyonce should have won, and bizarrely said that he didn’t mean to disrespect Ms. Swift, but that Beyonce’s video was one of the greatest of all time, and should have won instead. Nope, no offense meant at all. Take a look for yourself, and try not to think of all the useful things you could be doing instead.

Of course, it’s easy to imagine my first reaction:

People still watch the VMAs? I had no idea.

Then second: In a time when we’re debating as a country how best to spend billions fixing the healthcare system, my Facebook news feed was pretty much solidly “OMG … Kanye is such a jerk,” “Taylor Swift is so sweet, I can’t believe Kanye West did that,” and “How low have we sunk in this country?” The last one, I entirely agreed with, but for different reasons than that person intended.

Also, Kanye has a documented history of doing the EXACT. SAME. FUCKING. THING. Either the organizers are idiots or they have a level of trust in Kanye West that should disqualify them from owning anything more dangerous than a plastic spork. I smell a contrived publicity “scandal.” And man, people are eating it right up. Not me, though. I just sit at my desk writing articles criticizing everyone involved. I am so above it all.

Meaningful!

But just for a minute, let’s pretend to take this VMoutrAge (clever, no?) at face value. I would now like to give you a list of some of the past illustrious winners of the VMA Moon Man:

- Michael Penn, Best New Artist, 1990. Who? I had to look this one up. It's Sean and Chris Penn's brother. I have never heard his music, nor do I plan to. It must have been a slow year for new artists. I mean, who ever heard of the Black Crowes?

- Pretty Much Every Other Year of Best Rap Video. Arrested Development had a 2-year lock on the award. MC Hammer won, as did Coolio and Will Smith. Really, it's most likely the exact list of embarassing CDs (and possibly tapes) that you won't admit you once owned. I can see why they eventually killed the category.

- Aerosmith, "Pink." Best Rock Video, 1998. As a kid, I spent hours and hours listening to Aerosmith's "Big Ones" album. They heard about this, and spent the next decade and a half trying to spite me with awful music. This is possibly the worst piece of shit they recorded. And as MTV is wont to do with hilariously bad music, they gave it an award.

- Limp Bizkit, Best Rock Video, 2000-2001. Witness the horrifying power of marketing. I'd be mad at them for taking the award away from deserving artists, but the categories in these years were uniformly terrible. Two years, and I can really only point to Rage Against the Machine as a competent artist (nominated, 2000) in this category.

- Art of Noise, feat. Tom Jones, "Kiss." Breakthrough Video, 1988. Again, I repeat, "who?" I mean, I know Tom Jones, but I bet even he couldn't tell you who the hell Art of Noise was.

So maybe Kanye shouldn’t be so upset. And maybe Taylor Swift should figure out that you don’t refer to the statue as a “VMA Award,” because that would mean Video Music Award Award, and that’s just stupid.

- J.B. Mays

Manly Mixtape Monday: Rural Rock

2009-10-14T09:43:00.002-05:00

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

There are plenty of things to hate about the modern Nashville country music establishment. Hell, just seeing Tim McGraw wearing his fancy leather cowboy hat (I didn't know the Village People had a yard sale) makes me want to walk into a K-Mart and start throwing punches. But the biggest tragedy of the pansification of Nashville is that it's turned off so many people to anything recorded below the Mason-Dixon line. People just assume that since Nashville country mostly sucks, they're going to steer clear of any musician with a Southern accent. But that, friends, would be a mistake. Despite a bad reputation of late, the South still produces some of the finest shit-kicking rock ever to blow out a pair of cheap Ford Ranger speakers on a wild Friday night. Let's take a look at some.

Drive-By Truckers - "Never Gonna Change"

It's a guarantee that you'll hear more about Drive-By Truckers on this blog in the future. They're a band that sings about drinking, fighting, loving, and all the other things that regular folk do. If Man B Que was a late-night talk show, DBT would be the house band. Any one of their songs could go up on here, but since this one has a nice music video to go with it, we'll pick "Never Gonna Change."

Hank Williams III - "Long Hauls and Close Calls"

The original Hank Williams (III's grandfather) came to popularity in an era that may have been rowdy and two-fisted, but still didn't allow recording artists to use the word fuck. His grandson is making serious efforts to enjoy a degree of freedom of expression that his grandfather could not. He sings some of the white-trashiest, whiskey-swillingest, face-punchingest country dive bar rock available today. While "Put the O back in Country" wins for most creatively vulgar song title, I'm going with "Long Hauls and Close Calls" for sheer manic energy.

Steve Earle - Copperhead Road

In the late '80s and early '90s, when everyone else was committing to the neutering of Southern Music - so many fucking rhinestones! - Steve Earle did well for himself waving a broken-nailed middle finger at the establishment. "Copperhead Road" is the most accessible of his catalog, so go ahead and start there. But don't stop - his albums take a natural progression from a sort of biker-country ethos to some populist/progressive themes in his latest work. And look how young Letterman looks - I noticed that right before Earle called him a moron. Then I laughed.

Scott Miller and the Commonwealth - "Dear Sarah"

Every mixtape - EVERY SINGLE ONE - needs to have a Civil War song on it. That's something that John Cusack failed to cover in "High Fidelity," but I'm pretty sure it's true. Or at the very least, this particular mixtape needs it. When I was in college in Tennessee, this band used to play in a church that had been converted into a concert venue. The acoustics were excellent (it was a church, after all), but the venue didn't have a liquor license. So event management did the next best thing - they let you bring in a cooler and all the beer you could carry. I've you've never watched a Southern rock from a choir loft with a row of empties lined up on the ledge in front of you, then you've thus far missed out. SacROCKligious!

Johnny Cash - "Cocaine Blues"

I can't resist the temptation to end this inaugural mixtape with the man himself, Johnny Cash. When Nashville refused to return his calls in the '90s in favor of your fancy, well-groomed Kenny Chesney types, Cash signed with Def Jam founder Rick Rubin, recorded the best country album of the year, and took out this ad in Billboard:

Did I mention he was in his 60s at the time? Here's something from the early days - Johnny Cash singing about cocaine and murder at a time when most of the country was still afraid of dancing and rock music. If anyone tells you they like the Joaquin Phoenix Walk the Line version better, you punch them in the throat.

Now get out there, down a couple of tall boys, and grill some meat. Cash would approve.

- J-B Mays.

Friday Fright: This Lady Scares the Crap Out of Me

2009-10-14T09:43:00.001-05:00

Rock music has been frightening people since the dawn of ... "Footloose." This feature will highlight the most traumatic people/places/things that rock has to offer.

Every suburban kid went through a punk phase at one point or another. But by the early '00s, punk had gone pretty quickly from anarchistic outsider culture to the Hot Topic t-shirt rack, stopping somewhere in the middle to crap out what we now know as "emo." So by then, sullen kids in their Winnetka bedrooms looking for that jab in the eye of their corporate attorney parents could turn to any number or radio and video-friendly acts. Yes indeed, a stable of MTV-friendly punk acts. Nancy Spungen started rolling in her grave, which frightened people passing by that particular gutter. Yet one band, despite being featured on what was by then ironically called Music Television, still managed to push the boundary somewhat. They were the Distillers, and their lead singer could beat you to death. And their lead singer was a woman named Brody. Watch this and try to keep your bowels intact.

Man B Que has a set of rules governing what is manly and what is not. Women are expressly forbidden from attending the Man B Que. But Brady Dalle there, from the Distillers? She blurs the line. She might merit a burger - if she promises not to show up and punch someone in the face. One could honestly picture her driving a broken bottle into a screaming townie at 4 in the morning in a smoky bowling alley bar while Warren Zevon plays in the background. The Distillers - proving once and for all that a lot of world's scariest motherfuckers come from Australia.

Re-Introduction to Destruction

2009-10-14T09:41:00.002-05:00

It has been suggested that perhaps I offered a low-key introduction of myself as music writer on the Manliest Blog Of Them All. I stand by my love of Buena Vista, yet here, as a sort of reintroduction, is a collection of videos from 5 of the metalest bands I have seen. Metal and I have a long, long history. My first concert was a Cannibal Corpse show Junior year of high school, and if I get in a room quiet enough, I'm fairly certain I can still hear the amp ringing. That's how you know the metal is in your head. Here are 5 kickass videos from those days, before rap-rock and tribal tats made society collectively douchier.

Black Sabbath - "War Pigs"

Believe it or not, Ozzy Osbourne was not always a shambling joke of a man. Or if he was, at least he had the foresight not to wave that shit around in public. I saw the original Black Sabbath lineup a mere handful of months before Ozzy stopped being Ozzy Osbourne and started being That Hilarious Mumbling Guy With The Shrew Wife. I sort of wish I could forget everything from Ozzy after 1998. "War Pigs" is still sweet, though.

The Haunted - "Bury Your Dead"

I swear, this band was sent down from Central Casting. They're exactly - EXACTLY - what you think of when you think of European metal. They've still got the melodic guitars, but they scream like everyone in every metal band was legally required to do at the turn of the century. Imagine going to your first concert, and seeing the first opening band, and the bald, glowering singer comes up and says, in a heavy Swedish accent: "This is from our album, 'The Haunted Made Me Do it.' It's called Bury. Your. Dead." If you wrote that scene in a movie about metal, people would think it was lazy and unoriginal. It's pretty much exactly what The Haunted does every night.

Tool - "Parabola"

Oh for the days when children could still be traumatized by something on basic cable. Growing up, Tool's early videos did just that. Now MTV is all horrible shows about people from New Jersey. Where's the metal, you bastards?

Meshuggah - "New Millenium Cyanide Christ"

Yes it sounds like the song title was made on a Norweigan metal magnetic poetry set, but the timing in this song is unreal. The clear lack of a budget in this video makes them look slightly ridiculous, but rest assured, they will fuck your world up.

Hatebreed - "Last Breath"

Short and sweet. When you bought a Hatebreed album, you were lucky if it went past 30 minutes. I imagine it would be hard to produce this kind of aggression over a double album.

Okay, so we've covered Cuban music and screaming, fiery heavy metal. Next up: Everything else.

Re-Introduction to Destruction

2009-10-14T09:41:00.001-05:00

Grilling Music: The Buena Vista Social Club

2009-10-14T09:40:00.001-05:00

It's been my experience that most people in this country have an impression of Cuba that comes from all the wrong sources: Castro, Guantanamo, and those douchebag 19 year olds in Che Guevara t-shirts. Yet look in the right places, and you'll find that it's one of the most interesting places imaginable. In keeping with last Sunday's Man B Que contribution (Cuban Sandwiches), I'd like to spotlight a group from that country that got their shot at fame almost too late.

The Buena Vista Social Club, if you haven't seen the documentary, was a collection of legendary (and mostly quite elderly) Cuban musicians named after a long-defunct Havana social club. They were brought together by Los Angeles guitarist Ry Cooder, and their renown eventually landed them a show in Amsterdam, a gig at Carnegie Hall, and an Academy Award. They also won a Grammy, but really, so fucking what? Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Here's a video of them performing in Crete, which is apparently nuts for Lain music. It's enjoyable once the camera stops moving around - I kept expecting the Cloverfield monster to attack. The problem with the Buena Vista Social Club is whoever is posting their high quality videos on YouTube also disables embedding. Dick.

Their music, if you're only accustomed to flipping past La Rey 107.9, can be surprisingly understated. It still carries the passion and emotion characteristic of Spanish-language music, but often it's more quiet rumbling than full-on bombast. "Chan Chan," the first song off of the one (and only) Buena Vista Social Club album, is a perfect example of the understated tone.

That slow burning sound is absolutely perfect for lighting the grill just as the sun goes down. This is excellent beer in hand music, which is the universal Man B Que measure of musical superiority. There are only two real problems:

(a) They're nearly always, as you saw in the report above, used as a political symbol - either by those filthy Reds (WOLVERIIIIINES!!!) or by those who point out that Cuban music is largely identifiable as a pre-Castro instution.

(b) Their success unwittingly inspired the NPR set to become dickish about obscure world music. It made an entire generation far more punchable.

You can't really blame them for either, so ignore all that and enjoy with sizzling meat and a cold beer. You won't be disappointed.

Death Toll Scholl's Spicy Cedar Grilled Atlantic Salmon

2009-10-14T09:39:00.001-05:00

Hey people, here is tonight's Man B Que Metromix Recipe!!!

INGREDIENTS:

8 (4 ounce) fillets salmon
1/2 cup peanut oil
4 tablespoons soy sauce
4 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4 tablespoons green onions, chopped
3 teaspoons brown sugar
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
2 teaspoons crushed red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon salt
Adler or Cedar Grilling Planks

DIRECTIONS:

1. Place salmon fillets in a medium, nonporous glass dish. In a
separate medium bowl, combine the peanut oil, soy sauce, vinegar,
green onions, brown sugar, garlic, ginger, red pepper flakes, sesame
oil and salt. Whisk together well, and pour over the fish. Cover and
marinate the fish in the refrigerator for 4 to 6 hours.
2. Soak Grilling Planks in water 60-120 minutes
3. Prepare an outdoor grill with indirect coals about 5 inches from
the grate, and lightly oil the grate.
4. Grill the fillets on the planks 5 inches from coals and the lid
closed for 10 minutes per inch of thickness, measured at the thickest
part, or until fish just flakes with a fork. No need to flip, usually
done in 20 minutes.

The Original Linus Burger

2009-10-14T09:37:00.001-05:00

(The Blue Cheese Burger)
This is the original variation of the recipe that has been a Man-B-Que staple for years now.

It may be the best burger you ever make (However, if Rick Linus makes this, then it will be far superior.)

Makes eight 6 oz burgers

2.5 lbs of ground beef
Half a stick of butter-melted
¼ cup of cream
1 tablespoon Garlic
1 tablespoon Parsley
1 tablespoon Oregano
1 tablespoon Basil
1 tablespoon Black Pepper
1 tablespoon Salt
½ cup of bread crumbs
1 4oz container of Crumbled Blue Cheese
8 Hamburger buns

Blend melted butter, cream and egg together.
Add all seasons to the liquid and stir.
And the meat, bit by bit, blending in as you add.
Add bread crumbs and THE blue cheese
Form into patties and put in the fridge for a couple of hours before you grill them.

Wait for it.....Now GRILL!

Proceed to eat the (hell) out of them.

The Poor Hawaiian

2009-10-14T09:36:00.004-05:00

So last Friday on The Shipwreck, I shared another "Simple Recipe for Simple People." This one is a personal favorite because it involves a ½ meat. (See the Man B Que Rule that states: No less than 4 different meats are to be served at Man B Que. There is a maximum of 17 ½ meats* allowed. *Processed meats such as non-beef hot dogs and gyro meat count as a ½ meat.) ½ meats don't get nearly the attention or respect that "real" meats get but they are certainly not lacking in flavor; this may be due to the random animal parts that get thrown in to the mix during the creation of said meat or the over abundance of salts that manufacturers add to these tasty delights. Regardless, this Shipwreck Wrecipe is still a good one and a cheap one at that.

The Poor Hawaiian
INGREDIENTS
1 Can of Spam (Unless you want more. Make as much as you want, you deserve it)
1 Large pineapple

DIRECTIONS
Cut Spam and pineapple into large cubes
Place the cubes onto fully soaked skewers
Place skewers on the grill, directly over the center for about 4 minutes on one side before turning and repeating
Remove the skewers, let them cool off (don't be an idiot) and enjoy. (Being that Spam is not "real" meat and does not necessarily have to be cooked, we reccommend 4 minutes just to get it nice and toasty, you can keep it on there longer if you prefer.

Just Give It Up: Axl Rose

2009-10-14T09:36:00.003-05:00

Get you mind right with rockd out music reviews from the good ol’ boys who brought you The Shipwreck, MJ & John (aka: Twist-off & Jon Benet Mays).

According to Vince Neil, GNR fans are tired. Tired of Axl, tired of his antics and just plain tired. After waiting 15 years for Chinese Democracy, ridunkulous lineup changes (i.e. Buckethead, Bumblefoot and Squiggly Cliff Johnson (rumored)) and the rutarded hair braids, who can really blame us? For the GNR die-hards who sided with the rest of the band (Izzy, Slash, Duff, that crazy bastard Steven Adler, and even Gilby), this is just review, but for the unaware, its time to see the light. Axl is a lost cause and has been since Illusions.
You want your precious Guns? You wanna dance with Mr. Brownstone and Get In the Ring with the band who brought rock n’ roll back from the hollow trenches of hair metal? Then don’t look for love from GNR’s neglectful father. The reality is that the quintessence Guns resides in Izzy, the genius in the corner responsible for the writing, Slash, the swaggering axeman and Duff, the heavy anchor. Your Guns live and breed here with Gilby Clarke, all of which have released solo album after solo album deafened by the success original lineup and Appetite. The must have’s: Duff’s Believe in Me, Slash’s Snakepit It’s Five o’Clock Somewhere and Gilby Clarke’s The Hangover. Along with these treasures, anything from Izzy is gold and even, Velvet Revolver rockd out for a while. These gems are all readily available at your local CD exchange and well worth the $2.99 sticker price. Get your head out of Axl and find the true Guns.

The Godfather's Meat Curtains Marinade

2009-10-14T09:30:00.002-05:00

Ingredients

1/4 cup lime juice, fresh squeezed
1/2 cup orange juice, fresh squeezed
1/2 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon dried oregano
6 garlic clove, pressed
salt, to taste
black pepper, fresh ground, to taste

1. Add all ingredients to a small jar, cover and shake for 2 minutes.

2. Adjust salt and pepper to taste.

3. This marinade is great for pork and beef. I prefer to use it on skirt steak. Make sure the skirt steak is not completely trimmed of all of it's fat and be sure to tenderize it thoroughly. For best results, marinade your meat for over 2 hours, I have even done it over night.