Crimes Against Food: Bag o' Meat

Crimes Against Food features the greatest offenses committed against the greater eating public and the hallowed institution of food itself.



Earlier this week, I stopped into Costco for some productive meat shopping. Honestly, you wouldn't picture a concrete box the size of a Boeing hangar as the ideal place to find quality meatstuffs, but quality meat is to be had here. Lots of it. For cheap. Hilariously, you can also buy a coffin in which to bury your meat-engorged ass when you finally kick off the mortal plane, waving two middle fingers and a half-drunk Schlitz to the dreadlocked trust-fund vegans of the world.

Anyway, the brisket was beautiful, the rib racks massive, and the strip steaks perfectly marbled. This, I thought, must be the meat eater's paradise. Until I stumbled upon this abomination:



Pre-cooked? Pre-cut? Pre-seasoned? (And what is this mysterious "a seasoning," anyway?) Did they not have a pre-chewed option, as well? Or maybe you can just get a representative of the company to vomit their Arby's lunch back into your mouth for a cool $12. On top of all that, it spells out for you the fact that they had to add caramel coloring to make it look like something normal people would eat. This, my friends, is no way to eat. This is not Man B Que. In fact, let's run down the key facts.

- Pre-cooked meat
- Artificially colored
- Ready out of the bag
- Pre-seasoned
- Even the professional photo of it looks gross

A ha! It's dog food for humans! Have we fallen so far in our ability to make an enjoy a delicious meal for ourselves that we would willingly and wantonly cram bagged scrap meat down our gaping maws? Can we not wait the ten minutes it takes to season, sear, cook, and cut a piece of steak?

"Remember kids, when you eat bagged meat, you're eating communism! And possibly Type 2 Diabetes."

I say no to bagged meat, dammit! Let the Rascal scooter fatties of the world have their Bag o' Meat, and may heaven have mercy on their colons. I will continue to walk right past this cooler of depravity to both the butcher and self-respect. That's the Man B Que way.

- J.B. Mays

The Tailgate: Bacon-Cheddar Tailgate Burgers

Ed. Note: This post serves as the introduction to Man-B-Que's newest food writer, Stuart. Yet, as we all know, there is no Man-B-Que without kickass nicknames. Seeing as how Stuart made his bones as a grounds intern for the 2007 Boston Red Sox and now works as a head groundskeeper in the minor leagues, I dub him Dirt Man. Man makes his living in the dirt, and I'm feeling literal today. Feel free to call him Old Dirty Bastard, Dirt McGurt, Big Baby Jesus and all other such nicknames. So shall it be written. Man-B-Que!

What is a tailgate? Some would say that a tailgate is the part of a truck that keeps things from falling out the back.

...

[cough]

...

Others, like myself, cannot deny this definition, but might also say that a tailgate is any party outside that precedes a larger event. Whether it is a group of friends reminiscing together in a parking lot before a class reunion or a lavish tent complete with a chandelier, fine wine, and homemade croissants(as witnessed in “The Grove” of The University of Mississippi).



Yes, seriously

I submit that tailgating has become the new American pastime. The tailgate can be humble and simple, but it can also be extravagant and highbrow. In travels around the NCAA, MLB, and NFL, I've noticed the best tailgates all have one thing in common - the best food. Tailgate food is most often charred to perfection over open flame. People seem to be cooking up anything of the right size to be placed on the grill. Some of the grilled delicacies that I have seen at tailgates include everything from generic burgers and hotdogs, to full-on slow cooked Bar-B-Que, to any assortment of vegetables, jalapeños stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon, shrimp in a sweet spicy mustard base sauce, marinated gator tail, and fresh venison roast.

Anything you can think to grill and serve as tailgate fair probably already has been or soon will be. My advice is to join in and grill with some friends before any event - not just concerts and sporting events, but also academic competitions, municipal board re-zoning hearings, and the funerals of one's enemies. Here is my favorite burger recipe to get you started:

Dirt Man's Tailgate Burgers

4 lb. ground chuck

4 andouille sausages, diced

1 orange bell pepper, diced

1 Vidalia onion, diced

Worcestershire sauce

Grilling seasoning (recommended: Montreal's Grilling Seasoning)

1/2 c brown sugar

1 bottle of your favorite barbecue sauce

8 good hamburger buns (none of this $0.99 store brand shit - you'll end up with two handfuls of mushy bread and condiments)

Optional

About 4 c sliced mushrooms, sauteed ahead of time

16 slices smoked bacon, cooked ahead of time

8 thick slices smoked cheddar

Process

1. Preheat the grill to medium-high.

2. Combine diced sausage, pepper, and onion. Sweat mixture in large skillet add a quarter cup of Worcestershire sauce 8 tablespoons of grilling seasoning, and brown sugar cook until thick and combined. Let the mixture cool and combine with ground chuck. Shape into patties.

3. Place burgers on the grill. Brush the burgers with your favorite barbecue sauce as they cook.

4. Once they are almost cooked to your desired degree of doneness, divide the following toppings over the burgers: the sauteed mushrooms, 2 slices of bacon, and 1 slice of cheese, in that order. Cook just until cheese is melted and toppings are heated through.

5. Now shove into face. Repeat.

Grilling Ms. Piggy!

Tom "Death Chef" Rubeo finally makes it out to the Man B Que and shares one of his delicious pork recipes. This is a perfect example of a great Man B Que recipe; It's pretty simple but the taste will knock your socks off!

Go ahead and make it. Impress your friends. (Even though they don't really like you...JK)

Brined Pork Chops:

2 cups Apple Juice or Cider
2 cups Water
1/4 cup salt
2 tablespoons Sugar

2 3/4" or 1" thick Pork Chops (Loin or Rib)

Bring the water to a boil and remove from heat, dissolve the salt and sugar in the water. Cool the water down and then add the apple juice, and the pork chops. Refrigerate for 12-24 hours.
Grill over high heat about 5 min per side to desired temperature, make sure to watch the chops closely, meat that has been brined tends to cook quickly.

Chipotle Beer Can Chicken

AJ, aka "Meat Coffin," shares his kick-ass, Chipotle Beer Can Chicken. You've never had chicken on the grill that tasted this good. If you say you have, we will call you a liar and break your toes, all of them.

Recipe:
1. Blend:
7oz can of chipotle peppers in adobo
juice of 4 limes
8-10 cloves of garlic
salt and pepper to taste
3-4 fresh chopped jalepeno peppers
1tbsp cumin
1 cup chopped cilantro
half a cup of chopped red onion

2. take one whole chicken (around 5 lbs), rinse and pat dry. Rub the whole chicken with some olive oil, just enough to coat it. Separate the skin from the meat by running your fingers in between the skin and meat, being careful not to tear the skin up (this helps the skin crisp up better when cooking).

3. Spread the blended marinade all over the outside of the chicken, between the skin and meat, and in the cavity. Place in a Ziploc bag and marinade in fridge overnight.

4. Once coals are red hot in a chimney, spread around the outside of a Weber, leaving no coals directly in the center, under where the chicken will be placed.

5. Take chicken out and pat dry the skin.

6. Place a half empty beer can (whatever kind is good to chug half of, go cheap, it makes no difference in flavor, especially not with this marinade) in the cavity of the chicken and prop in the center of the grill like a tri-pod consisting of both legs and the can.

7. Cover grill, leaving all vents open.

8. Check every 30 min to make sure bird is cooking evenly. Meat will get done early, but fat needs to melt out of skin and will keep meat moist by basting it as it melts out. Bird will be ready to go in about 2 hours, the skin should be crispy to the point that it seems almost hard.

9. Pull the bird off and enjoy; the bones should easily pull out.

Next on the Plate: Port O'Brien & Sea Wolf

Sorry about the late notice on this one, so I'll make it quick. As soon as you're done here, just head out to Schuba's. The dual bill of Sea Wolf and Port O'Brien is well worth the $14. Hell, even just one them would be worth it, but when combined, it's set to be a pretty awesome and cheap night.

Any of Port O'Brien's songs would have fit perfectly into Twist-off's Sailor Mixtape. In fact, singer Van spends ever summer fishing on his dad's salmon boat off the coast of Alaska. During those endless, landless days, he fishes, and during the limited down time, he writes some kickass music. The utter desolation provides ample motivation and inspiration for their shanty songs.

Secondly, Sea Wolf, who could have been included on the Mixtape on name alone, play a downbeat rock. They are probably most known for their song "You are a Wolf," which was played extensively during last year's Olympic commercials.

So finish that burger, grab and umbrella, and prep for a night on the musical seas.

- Mr. Nobody

Manly Mixtape Monday: Get Shipwreck'd With Sailor Rock

The Manly Mixtape is a weekly 6-pack of songs on a theme. It will rock your face every Monday.

In our last year of grad school, J.B. Mays and myself created a rock radio show that coalesced all things awesome – rock n’ roll, Manbque.com, and the ridicule of annoying trends. In honor of those efforts, I give you my Mixtape Monday and first time ode to what I am coining as Sailor Rock It comes in all forms rock’d up, punk’d out, and hell, even Irish-eyed and drunk has a place in Sailor Rock. But there’s one thing that links them all together – swagger. It’s a unique swagger that conjures up pirates and insatiable living while commandeering drunken guitars, whiskey-soaked vocals and marching drum beats. Cheers, matey.

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Check out Bullets & Octane “Pirates. This band walks the plank with talent and swigs heavy riffs for breakfast.



You can’t get any more Sailorish than the Gaslight Anthem’s “I Coulda Been A Contender”. These Jersey boys definitely take to the high seas with lyrical prowess and all their songs sound like they were left at sea for years.




Probably the most entertaining and enlightening on the list is Chuck Ragan’s “The Boat”. We feel for all those lost to the sea on this one.




It’s a mutiny with The Riverboat Gamblers “Rattle Me Bones”. Best live act at SXSW every year, this band of merry pirates shakes with fierceness and energy.




Like a ship in a bottle, The Bravery’s “The Ocean” sways. Like it or love it, it feels like the ocean.




We end on pure awesomeness with Murder City Devils’ “Press Gang”. Raise a fist and a fifth of Sailor Jerry rum to Manly Mixtape Mondays every Monday at Manbque.com. Arr.

- Twist-Off Jones

Freaky-Ass Friday: Tool

You had to have known this designation was coming for Tool. As teen, and later as an adult, I came to really appreciate the intricate musicianship and dark songwriting. But really, as a pre-teen who did a lot of late-night MTV watching, there was only one thought when this particular video came on - AHHHH! BURN IT! SEND IT TO HELLLLLLLLL!

But years later, I've come to appreciate "Sober" in all it's freaky-ass claymation glory. I also use it to scare my younger cousins, because trauma is meant to be passed on. It's the right thing to do.

- J.B. Mays